In a historic first for the local corporate offices of SalesPusher.com, its senior marketing team’s staff victoriously acquired its first LGBTQ+ employee and promptly paraded him down the halls like a Stanley Cup.
“We fuckin did it, boys! We’re an LGBTQ+-friendly company now!” screamed Senior Executive Steven Weber as he and Owner Carey Hedman wielded new hire, Desmond Trackerson, above their heads like a 152-pound trophy. “We had a lot of haters who said it wasn’t possible, including ourselves, but after 17 years of being pressured to do so, we finally hired a gay person!”
In addition to parading Trackerson down the hall, several colleagues patted themselves on the back for being so progressive now.
“I just want to thank our recruiter, Hailey Stumpkin, for nabbing this guy who initially just looked like all the other white cisgender males we usually hire for these roles, but coincidentally turned out to be a great addition to corporate’s rainbow-washing efforts for Pride Month this year,” said the team’s lead hiring manager, Chis Mattson. “With any luck, we’ll get through the rest of this month without Rep. Pramila Jayapal outing us for simultaneously making donations to several anti-LGBTQ+ politicians and organizations like she’s been doing on her Instagram stories all month. Wooo!!!!”
Trackerson’s inebriated team then hauled him down Fourth Avenue boldly proclaiming “they wanna go for two.”
“It’s okay, I’m used to having companies parade me around so they don’t have to think harder about why their staff isn’t more diverse in the first place or how else they could truly help the LGBTQ+ community,” said Trackerson. “But it does always suck when they try and drink champagne out of you.”
