As Washington State Ferries continues to deal with an aging fleet, vessel breakdowns and a lack of staff, local orca “entrepreneurs” have stepped in to offer protection to the remaining ferries to ensure no unfortunate “accidents” happen to the rest of the fleet.
“We hear youse humans are having a little trouble commuting through our aquatic territories, and we’d hate for there to be further delays — so how’s about you slide us a few extra salmon every month and we make sure none of your precious ferries suffer any more unfortunate ‘accidents’?” said Orca Podfather Don Coholeone, chomping on a kelp cigar. “Look, it’s no barnacles off my back, but youse humans already seem to have lost a couple ferries — what’s a few extra clams for peace of mind? All I’m saying is the last guy that didn’t take extra precautions is making payments on a yacht that’s moored at the bottom of the ocean.”
With the orca mob putting the squeeze on local ferry operators, many captains felt that they had to go along with the protection scheme, even if something smelled a little fishy.
“What am I supposed to do? These orcas have me over a buoy here—we already had one ferry mysteriously ‘lose control’ and crash into a pier, we won’t have more boats for five to six years, plus the seagulls always want their piece of the action — I gotta pay up,” said ferry captain Tom Studemeyer, discreetly sliding an envelope full of salmon overboard. “I knew I never should have used a Porpoise bookie to gamble on the Hydroplane Races and gotten myself into this mess in the first place.”
At press time, rumors were swirling that the top pick to take over Washington State Ferries after its director steps down soon is local waterfront businessman Finny Orcatelli.
