Report: Nation’s Dogs Working on New COVID Variant in Attempt to Keep Owners at Home
A shocking report leaked today reveals that the nation’s dogs are currently in development of the next COVID-19 variant in an attempt to keep...
Researchers Confirm Unread Anti-racism Books Double as Shield Against All Accusations of Racism
After more than a year of rigorous investigation, researchers at Seattle Public Schools’ administration office confirmed findings today proving that holding up unread books...
Interrogation of Local Meteorologist About Chances of White Christmas Enters Day Five
Now on their fifth grueling day of interrogating Seattle National Weather Service meteorologist Stan Hodges in a dark basement, local reporters investigating whether we’re...
Mass Exodus of Unvaccinated Cops to Finally Protect and Serve Community
After years of being asked to protect and serve the City of Seattle, at least a third of Seattle Police Department officers say they’re...
Whoa! Seattle Man Wearing Carhartt Overalls Actually Has Done Single Day of Manual Labor in Entire Life
Defying all stereotypes of relatively affluent people co-opting working-class attire to look like affluent people who don’t want to seem too affluent but still...
Local Woman Can’t Escape Café, Watching Everyone’s Stuff for a Second
Rescue crews are still attempting to extract a woman trapped on a Diva Espresso café patio in Broadview this evening after the woman promised...
Climate Change Officially Undeniable as Mariners Catch Fire for First Time in Ages
A worldwide consortium of scientists confirmed this morning that climate change is officially undeniable after even the Mariners caught fire for the first time...
‘COVID Ruined My Social Skills,’ Says Man Who Never Had Them to Begin With
At a weekend gathering of friends, local resident Eli Weber was reportedly quick to blame his complete lack of tact, grace and general unpleasantness...
Gum Wall Begins to Disappear as Vaccinated Residents Think ‘Sure, What the Hell’
Post Alley has transformed into a scene straight out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory today as vaccinated adults ravage the once-beloved landmark, nibbling...
Puddle of Sunblock All That Remains of Seattleite Who Hit 80-Degree Melting Point
After taking what seemed an innocent stroll down the sunny Seattle waterfront, several witnesses say a puddle of sunblock is all that remains today...
