After countless potentially deadly mechanical issues tanked the once stellar safety reputation of the nation’s only commercial airplane manufacturer, this morning Boeing stocks finally rebounded for the first time in months after the entire front half of one of its planes landed safely.
“We’re pleased to report that after many scary months of turmoil for our shareholders, Boeing stock has bounced back after the most important half of a 737 MAX airplane successfully landed safely at SeaTac airport today,” said Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun. “All of our more valuable First Class and Comfort Plus passengers arrived at their destination safe-ish and relatively unharmed. As for the back half of the plane, they knew the risks they were taking when they flew economy on a Boeing plane, but we’ll give the survivors a voucher for 50% off in-flight WIFI that won’t work on their next flight.”
The news was a relief for weary shareholders who spent months worrying if their precious shares in the company would ever be safe again.
“The passengers are always like ‘Oh, I was so scared when the airplane started disintegrating at 40,000 feet,’ but do you know how scary it is to watch a plane depart from the airport, not knowing if your investment will ever be seen again?” said Boeing board member Stockton Sinclair. “Every time I hear about another incident on a plane, I just pray the 300 people who almost died are on an Airbus so they never had to fear doing something unpatriotic like even slightly inconveniencing a multi-billion-dollar American monopoly like Boeing. It’s tough enough for us that we can’t just have fun making things that kill people full-time like Lockheed and Northrop Grumman do.”
At press time, Boeing shareholders were already pushing to—instead of fixing plane safety issues—pursue the far more lucrative route of reclassifying and selling their crumbling planes to the Department of Defense as bombs to drop on thousands of innocent civilians.
