People Overwhelmed by Political News Encouraged to Just Stare at Wall Blankly for a Little While
Mental health experts came together today to remind people overwhelmed by the constant barrage of chaotic political news that there’s nothing better for their...
Republican Lawmakers Warn That Abortion Ban Exceptions Will Lead to Dangerous Shortage of Child Labor
A coalition of Republican lawmakers came together today to warn that any exceptions in state abortion bans would lead to dangerous shortages of child...
God Finally Answers Prayer but Accidentally Hits Reply All
God is profusely apologizing today after accidentally hitting reply all on a long-belated answer to a prayer from follower Timothy Berman asking to finally...
Amazon Clarifies Climate Pledge was Just Pledge to Change Climate, Not Improve It
After weeks of sticking to an unpopular 5-days-a-week return-to-office order despite increased Seattle area car traffic and pollution that seemingly didn't align with its...
Nestlé Scrambles to Bottle LA’s Remaining Water Before Firefighters Give It All Away for Free
Bottled water producer Nestlé announced today that they would respond to the ongoing LA wildfires by rushing to obtain the region's remaining water before...
Bill Nye Makes History as First Speed Walker to Earn Presidential Medal of Freedom
Years of only celebrating the achievements of athletes in every other sport at the White House came to an end this weekend when Bill...
National Weather Service Ordered to Deport La Niña
Under the threat of even more mass layoffs, today President Donald Trump ordered the National Weather Service to deport Pacific weather pattern La Niña.
“We...
Sen. Patty Murray Busted Embezzling Extra Hour of Sunshine
Just weeks after re-introducing a legislative effort to make Daylight Savings Time permanent, U.S. Senator for Washington State Patty Murray was busted embezzling the...
Shirtless Steve Bannon Wins Ugly Sweater Contest
In a surprising finale to this year's CPAC Holiday Party, a shirtless Steve Bannon took home top honors in the evening's spotlight event, the...
Amazon Cuts Out Middle Man, Will Now Steal Your Packages Themselves
Today Amazon announced their commitment to offering a full-service shopping experience, which now includes stealing deliveries right off your porch themselves."Our business model has...
