Shirtless Steve Bannon Wins Ugly Sweater Contest
In a surprising finale to this year's CPAC Holiday Party, a shirtless Steve Bannon took home top honors in the evening's spotlight event, the ugly sweater contest.
"I truly wasn't expecting to win," said a...
Amazon Cuts Out Middle Man, Will Now Steal Your Packages Themselves
Today Amazon announced their commitment to offering a full-service shopping experience, which now includes stealing deliveries right off your porch themselves."Our business model has long ensured the steady decline of mom-and-pop retailers, and now...
Emaciated Coca-Cola Polar Bears Maul Coke CEO
Tired of decades of habitat loss and starvation, today the beloved Coca-Cola Polar Bears reportedly took matters into their own paws by mauling the company's CEO.
"Our habitat is shrinking, and I haven't had a...
Tribal Leaders Intrigued by Talk of Immigrant Mass Deportations
Despite wide criticism of President-elect Donald Trump’s plans, leaders of Native American tribes across the nation say they’re intrigued by his bold vision for deporting the massive boatloads of immigrants who’ve been terrorizing this...
Christmas Canceled After Santa’s Boeing Sleigh Falls Apart
Christmas was reportedly canceled today after the sleigh Santa had commissioned from Boeing fell apart, stranding the holiday deity just outside of SeaTac.
"I told Santa this was going to happen but no, he just...
Santa Tracker Reveals Shocking Extent of Reindeer Emissions
This year, in addition to showing a live feed of his international Christmas flight route, NORAD’s famous Santa Tracker is also revealing the shocking extent of his private sleigh’s reindeer emissions.
“We’ve suspected it...
Report: Grinch’s Heart Actually Enlarged from Cocaine Use
Contrary to hopes that the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes today due to an expanded ability to love others, a report has just confirmed his heart is actually enlarged due to chronic cocaine use.
“That...
San Andreas Earthquake Welcome to Launch West Coast Off to Sea Anytime Now
Following a prolonged vote-counting process that threatens to drag on for what little remains of our doomed lives after Donald Trump’s probably successful bid for second term in the White House, the entire West...
McDonald’s Employee Can’t Wait to Spend $60k Bounty on Overnight Stay at Hospital
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, today the brave minimum-wage worker at McDonald’s who led police to the man suspected of killing UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson said they can’t wait to spend their entire...
Trump Declares Black Friday Is Indian and Always Has Been
In a bold move just in time for the holiday shopping season, today President-Elect Donald Trump announced that Black Friday has always been Indian, dismissing any claims to the contrary as fake news.
“Since I...
