Tragedy Strikes After RFK Jr. Vaccinated By Lone Doctor on Grassy Knoll
Tragedy struck today after Health Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr. was reportedly vaccinated by a lone doctor wielding a long-range syringe from a nearby grassy...
Tesla Owner Running Out of Room For Bumper Stickers Explaining Tesla Ownership
A local Tesla owner ran into trouble today after realizing that he had officially run out of room for bumper stickers explaining his Tesla...
Pfizer to Release New Breakthrough Depression Medication Called Money
Researchers at Pfizer announced a breakthrough medication today they say cures depression with an unprecedented 95 percent success rate they’re calling Money.
“Our trials concluded...
Mother Earth Fired for Being DEI Planet
After dutifully serving in her non-partisan role as the planet we live on for 4.5 billion years, Mother Earth was fired in a midnight...
People Overwhelmed by Political News Encouraged to Just Stare at Wall Blankly for a Little While
Mental health experts came together today to remind people overwhelmed by the constant barrage of chaotic political news that there’s nothing better for their...
Republican Lawmakers Warn That Abortion Ban Exceptions Will Lead to Dangerous Shortage of Child Labor
A coalition of Republican lawmakers came together today to warn that any exceptions in state abortion bans would lead to dangerous shortages of child...
God Finally Answers Prayer but Accidentally Hits Reply All
God is profusely apologizing today after accidentally hitting reply all on a long-belated answer to a prayer from follower Timothy Berman asking to finally...
Amazon Clarifies Climate Pledge was Just Pledge to Change Climate, Not Improve It
After weeks of sticking to an unpopular 5-days-a-week return-to-office order despite increased Seattle area car traffic and pollution that seemingly didn't align with its...
Nestlé Scrambles to Bottle LA’s Remaining Water Before Firefighters Give It All Away for Free
Bottled water producer Nestlé announced today that they would respond to the ongoing LA wildfires by rushing to obtain the region's remaining water before...
Bill Nye Makes History as First Speed Walker to Earn Presidential Medal of Freedom
Years of only celebrating the achievements of athletes in every other sport at the White House came to an end this weekend when Bill...
