Nestlé Scrambles to Bottle LA’s Remaining Water Before Firefighters Give It All Away for Free
Bottled water producer Nestlé announced today that they would respond to the ongoing LA wildfires by rushing to obtain the region's remaining water before the LAFD can senselessly give it all away for free.
"When...
Bill Nye Makes History as First Speed Walker to Earn Presidential Medal of Freedom
Years of only celebrating the achievements of athletes in every other sport at the White House came to an end this weekend when Bill Nye made history as the first speedwalker awarded a Presidential...
Shirtless Steve Bannon Wins Ugly Sweater Contest
In a surprising finale to this year's CPAC Holiday Party, a shirtless Steve Bannon took home top honors in the evening's spotlight event, the ugly sweater contest.
"I truly wasn't expecting to win," said a...
Amazon Cuts Out Middle Man, Will Now Steal Your Packages Themselves
Today Amazon announced their commitment to offering a full-service shopping experience, which now includes stealing deliveries right off your porch themselves."Our business model has long ensured the steady decline of mom-and-pop retailers, and now...
Emaciated Coca-Cola Polar Bears Maul Coke CEO
Tired of decades of habitat loss and starvation, today the beloved Coca-Cola Polar Bears reportedly took matters into their own paws by mauling the company's CEO.
"Our habitat is shrinking, and I haven't had a...
Bill Nye Awarded Medal of Freedom for Discovering What Happens When You Eat Marshmallows Dipped in Nitrogen
For the extraordinary scientific feat of discovering and then showing as many people as possible what happens when you eat marshmallows dipped in liquid nitrogen, this weekend Bill Nye was honored with the Presidential...
Amazon Clarifies Climate Pledge was Just Pledge to Change Climate, Not Improve It
After weeks of sticking to an unpopular 5-days-a-week return-to-office order despite increased Seattle area car traffic and pollution that seemingly didn't align with its Climate Pledge goals, today Amazon clarified that its Climate Pledge...
Guy Sighing Loudly While Waiting for Prescription Charged With Domestic Terrorism
A local man was charged with domestic terrorism today while waiting for a prescription in a Walgreens after his loud sighs were construed as threats against healthcare insurance CEOs.
"We take any and all threats...
Elon Musk Jolts Awake in Cold Sweat After Recurring Nightmare of Trans Athlete Dunking on Him
Multi-hyphenate tech CEO Elon Musk reportedly jolted awake in a cold sweat today after suffering a recurring nightmare of a transgender athlete dunking on him."It was the same nightmare again: There I am, about...
Tribal Leaders Intrigued by Talk of Immigrant Mass Deportations
Despite wide criticism of President-elect Donald Trump’s plans, leaders of Native American tribes across the nation say they’re intrigued by his bold vision for deporting the massive boatloads of immigrants who’ve been terrorizing this...
