Local Doctors Reassure Public Rick Steves Still Doing Just Fine
Today local doctors suddenly swamped with questions about the current health of Rick Steves assured an anxious public that the internationally beloved, Edmonds-based travel...
Novo Nordisk Unveils New, Stronger Ozempic for Your Mom
Just in time for the holidays, today Novo Nordisk announced a new, stronger Ozempic prescription for that beached whale you call Your Mom.
"We needed...
Group of Mountain Climbers Dies on Mountain Everyone Dies On
Today search and rescue teams tragically confirmed that an entire group of mountain climbers died on the mountain everyone dies on.
“They were so excited...
5 Fun Places to Go Apple Picking This Weekend Because ICE Scared Off All Their Farmworkers
There’s no better time to go pick apples at these five fun and picturesque orchards than this weekend because ICE raids have left no...
Man Who Got First Red Cup with First Starbucks On It Actually Got Second
Controversy erupted online today when it was discovered a man claiming to have received this year’s first holiday red cup with an illustration of...
CEO Orders Alderaan Starbucks Be Destroyed to Squash Red Cup Rebellion
As the Red Cup Rebellion continues to gain momentum across the galaxy, Brian “Darth” Niccol has reportedly ordered the Death Starbucks to destroy the...
Starbucks Cancels Pumpkin Spice Season After Cinnamon Unionizes
This morning Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol made the unexpected and startling announcement that the company has canceled pumpkin spice season only three days into...
Flocks of White Women Seen Flying North As Pumpkin Spice Season Begins
Birdwatchers across the Pacific Northwest grabbed their binoculars and set their eyes on the skies in hopes of catching a glimpse of the migratory...
Dick Pic Text Autocorrects Eggplant Emoji to Carrot
In an unprecedented advancement of smartphone technology, today one local man’s dick pic text autocorrected an eggplant emoji to a carrot.
“What the fuck? I...
Gardener Convinced Green Tomatoes Just Fucking With Her Now
After patiently doting on her tomatoes all summer and waiting for them to turn red whenever they were ready, today Bellevue gardener Roberta Nielson...
