Gatesville Named Official Casket Partner of the National Football League
As the NFL forges ahead with its planned regular season, Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that they have secured a record-breaking sponsorship deal with...
Major Trump Donor Appointed As The Postal Service’s New Lead Singer
After months of publicly trashing The Postal Service, President Donald Trump announced that he’s appointed multi-million-dollar campaign donor Louis DeJoy as the Seattle band's...
Cliff Mass Puzzled Weather Radar Did Not Forecast Overnight Shitstorm
Longtime Seattle meteorologist Cliff Mass said he was utterly astounded that his trusty weather radar did not pick up on an obvious incoming shitstorm...
Liberated Woman Excited to Leave First Scathing Yelp Review in Months
Following several harrowing months of being deprived the capitalist comforts guaranteed to her by the United States Constitution, a newly liberated Kent woman has...
Durkan Reminds City to Keep Washing Hands of Responsibility to End Police Brutality
As cases of police brutality against people of color, media and legal observers continue to spike nationally, today Mayor Jenny Durkan reminded Seattle residents...
Congress Antitrust Hearing Begins With 2-Hour Bezos Testimony on How Printers Work
Virtual proceedings of the historic Congressional Antitrust Hearings were marred by technical difficulties today when Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner spent two hours grilling Amazon CEO...
Trump Supporter Just Really Concerned About the Safety of Seattle’s Gayest Neighborhood
Dismissing claims that his support for excessive police and military force on Seattle’s Capitol Hill is hypocritical given his dislike for ‘big government,’ Trump...
Middle-aged Shoppers Arrested with Fake IDs at Costco’s Senior Shopping Hour
KIRKLAND – Dozens of middle-aged shoppers who crept out of their suburban windows early this morning were promptly arrested when they tried using fake...
Sportsball Fans Excited to Mock Seattle’s New Slappy Disc Team
With the debut of Seattle’s new hockey team name today, the region’s Sportsball fans announced that they have also landed on a new, condescending...
Betsy DeVos Deploys Child Shield to Save Self From Sneezing Man
U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was shaken today following an incident that forced her to grab a nearby child to shield herself from...
