Ted Cruz Tragically Still Alive at 50
After being forced to watch Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson return from space with no consequences for their continued pillaging of the planet and...
Independent Intergalactic Bookstore Already Out of Business
Despite being in space for less than 10 minutes, reports are pouring in that Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin venture into outer space has already...
‘No Labor Laws in Space,’ Mumbles Jeff Bezos at Press Conference
At a press conference the afternoon before Jeff Bezos blasts off into space on his Blue Origin rocket Tuesday morning at 6 a.m. Pacific,...
Experts Say Fear of Delta Variant Totally Acceptable Excuse for Avoiding People You Can’t Stand
Experts at the CDC have announced that using fear of the Delta variant of COVID-19 is a completely acceptable excuse for continuing to avoid...
Councilmember Mosqueda Recounts Harrowing Escape from Seattle Times Endorsement
Family and friends of Seattle City Councilmember Teresa Mosqueda are still counting their blessings tonight after the dedicated labor rights leader narrowly escaped a...
I’m Richard Branson and This Is Why I’m Prematurely Ejaculating Into Outer Space
Hey, it’s Sir Richie, your favorite billionaire. I just wanted to clear up a few things before I suddenly thrust myself to heaven and...
Seattle Resident Ready to Return COVID Boyfriend to Tool Library
After keeping him throughout quarantine, Seattle resident Lisa Carroll announced today that her COVID lockdown boyfriend is ready to be returned to the free...
Man Who Moved to Seattle 12 Minutes Ago Upset Everyone Moving to Seattle
Longtime Ballard resident of 12 minutes and 37 seconds Jeff Coleman announced today he’s getting quickly frustrated and concerned about the absurd number of...
Local Woman Celebrates 5 Years of Acting Amused by Boyfriend’s College Drinking Stories
This holiday weekend, one lucky local lady is celebrating her fifth year of smiling and nodding while her boyfriend tells yet another story...
Research Shows ‘WandaVision’ Apparently Not Documentary About Wanda Sykes
Contrary to popular belief, researchers released a report today confirming that Disney+ hit, WandaVision, is in fact not a tell-all documentary about about beloved...
