Report: Majority of 30s Spent Undoing 20s
A startling report published today revealed for the first time that the majority of your 30s will be spent undoing the untold damage that...
Man Operating Under Assumption He Important Enough to Cancel
Following a flurry of racist and sexist tweets directed towards everyone from Rep. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and Dr. Fauci to LeBron James and Lola Bunny,...
Guy Wakes Up at 5 a.m. to Tell Everyone He Wakes Up at 5 a.m.
Multiple sources are reporting this evening that local asshole and wannabe Bitcoin billionaire Justin Spencer has once again set his alarm for 5 a.m....
Jeff Bezos Just Wondering If He Can Still Write Off MacKenzie’s Charitable Donations
After a year of witnessing his ex-wife MacKenzie follow through on her Giving Pledge commitment to donate most of her $38 billion divorce settlement...
‘Huh, West Seattle Bridge Is Closed Today,’ Says Ballard Resident Driving 99 South For First Time In Years
Upon venturing the ominous depths of Highway 99 South for the first time in years, Ballard resident Chris Brock found himself surprised and bewildered...
Seafair Hydroplane Racers Compete in Virtual Motorboating Event
Despite in-person Seafair events being cancelled by the pandemic for the second year in a row this year, local hydroplane fans were overjoyed to...
COVID-19 Sweeps ICU Floor Routine at Tokyo Olympics
Overcoming an active state of emergency and the valiant efforts of local healthcare workers, COVID-19 made history today after sweeping the ICU Floor Routine...
Seattle Resentful Pete Holmes Corrupt Enough They Forced to Learn What City Attorney Does
Tensions are high today say thousands of Seattle voters furious that Pete Holmes is corrupt enough they’ve now been forced to learn what a...
Ivar’s Clam Found Shucked in Ongoing Surf-and-Turf Wars
Seattle’s beloved Ivar’s Clam was found shucked just off Pier 54 today, the latest victim in a long-running, citywide surf-and-turf war.
The violent feud began...
Seattle Kraken Already Relocated to Oklahoma City
Seattle Kraken fans were crushed today after learning that the team’s ownership, Seattle Hockey Partners, has announced that the fledgling team assembled just yesterday...
