Mayor Harrell Orders Sweeps of Enchantments Campsites
Doubling down on what got him elected in the first place, today Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell hit his re-election campaign trail with a new...
Emaciated Coca-Cola Polar Bears Maul Coke CEO
Tired of decades of habitat loss and starvation, today the beloved Coca-Cola Polar Bears reportedly took matters into their own paws by mauling the...
Trump Pardons Howard Schultz for Moving Supersonics to Oklahoma City
President Trump's pardon spree continued today after he announced that he would formally pardon Howard Schultz for the unforgivable crime of moving the Seattle...
Leashed Mark Zuckerberg Introduced as Trump’s First Presidential Pet
American history was made today after President Trump introduced a leashed Mark Zuckerberg as his first official presidential pet.
"We always wondered why President Trump...
‘Don’t Worry, I Used to Fly in the Midwest,’ Announces Pilot Moments Before Slowly Sliding Into Parked Planes
As delays at Sea-Tac Airport continue to pile up due to slippery runway conditions, one Midwestern pilot reassured his passengers he was more than...
Green Lake Snowman Absolutely Riddled With Goose Poop
A fanciful frolic through the snow turned messy today after a Green Lake snowman was found to be absolutely riddled with goose poop.
"Oh God,...
New Study Finds 90% of Cat Owners Experience oofjfjjggigiiiiifohhhjjfjfjjjjj))))))))))))))
A new study published today suggests that up to 90% of cat owners experience oofjfjjggigiiiiifohhhjjfjfjjjjj)))))))))))))) the moment they leave their keyboard unattended.
"During a new...
Guy Sighing Loudly While Waiting for Prescription Charged With Domestic Terrorism
A local man was charged with domestic terrorism today while waiting for a prescription in a Walgreens after his loud sighs were construed as...
Elon Musk Jolts Awake in Cold Sweat After Recurring Nightmare of Trans Athlete Dunking on Him
Multi-hyphenate tech CEO Elon Musk reportedly jolted awake in a cold sweat today after suffering a recurring nightmare of a transgender athlete dunking on...
Home Depot Unveils 12-Foot Turkey Carcass Skeleton
Hoping to keep its giant decorative skeleton gravy train going through Thanksgiving, today The Home Depot announced it’s now selling enormous 12-foot Turkey Carcass...
