Seattleite Emerges from Winter Cocoon as Anti-Social Butterfly
One local Seattleite reportedly emerged from his weighted-blanket chrysalis today and spread his wings as an anti-social butterfly.
"After six long months of winter isolation,...
Jordan Peterson Bursts into Tears, Cancels Climate Pledge Show After Seeing Female-Dominated Workplace
Anti-woke commentator Jordan Peterson reportedly burst into tears and cancelled his show at Climate Pledge Arena today after being confronted with a female-dominated workplace.
"I...
Mariners Opening Day to Feature ‘Hot Dogs From Hell’ Cannon Fired Directly Into Fan’s Faces
The Seattle Mariners announced plans today to follow up on their popular Hot Dogs from Heaven promotion with a new Hot Dogs from Hell...
Disturbing New Report Reveals Average American Swallows Several 7-11 Hot Dogs in Sleep Each Year
A disturbing new report released today reveals that the average American swallows up to a half-dozen 7-11 hot dogs in their sleep each year.
"It...
ICE Deports Mariner Moose Back to Canada
The Mariner Moose was reportedly deported back to his native Canada by ICE agents today despite being a legal U.S. resident for the past...
Tragedy Strikes After RFK Jr. Vaccinated By Lone Doctor on Grassy Knoll
Tragedy struck today after Health Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr. was reportedly vaccinated by a lone doctor wielding a long-range syringe from a nearby grassy...
Raccoon Mortified to Learn He Took Date to Rummage Through Cybertruck Instead of Dumpster
A local raccoon was reportedly mortified today after realizing he accidentally took his Foragr date to rummage through a Cybertruck instead of a dumpster.
"I...
Mayor Harrell Introduces ‘Cop Vouchers’ So You Can Donate Directly to Your Favorite Police Officer’s Legal Fund
As Democracy Vouchers arrive in Seattle mailboxes this week, today Mayor Bruce Harrell announced his own new “Cop Voucher” program that you can use...
Tesla Owner Running Out of Room For Bumper Stickers Explaining Tesla Ownership
A local Tesla owner ran into trouble today after realizing that he had officially run out of room for bumper stickers explaining his Tesla...
Republican Lawmakers Warn That Abortion Ban Exceptions Will Lead to Dangerous Shortage of Child Labor
A coalition of Republican lawmakers came together today to warn that any exceptions in state abortion bans would lead to dangerous shortages of child...
