Late Pope Francis Commemorated With Pierce County’s Highest Honor: An Airbrushed State Fair Shirt
State officials today announced that the late Pope Francis would be honored with Pierce County's highest honor, an airbrushed Washington State Fair t-shirt.
"We're proud...
Line at Dick’s Taking Longer Than Blue Origin Celebrity Spaceflight
Scores of customers waiting forever in line at Dick’s came to the sobering realization today that by the time they finally get their Deluxes...
We Hope You’re Happy: Cal Raleigh Just Found Out You’ve Been Calling Him That and Now He’s Crying
Mariners star catcher Cal Raleigh was reportedly reduced to tears today after finding out the nickname Seattleites had been calling him for the past...
Sara Nelson Appoints Connorflict O’McInterest to Seattle City Council
Today Seattle City Council President Sara Nelson announced that outgoing Councilmember Cathy Moore will be replaced by newcomer Connorflict O'McInterest.
"With the unfortunate departure of...
Seattleite Emerges from Winter Cocoon as Anti-Social Butterfly
One local Seattleite reportedly emerged from his weighted-blanket chrysalis today and spread his wings as an anti-social butterfly.
"After six long months of winter isolation,...
Jordan Peterson Bursts into Tears, Cancels Climate Pledge Show After Seeing Female-Dominated Workplace
Anti-woke commentator Jordan Peterson reportedly burst into tears and cancelled his show at Climate Pledge Arena today after being confronted with a female-dominated workplace.
"I...
Mariners Opening Day to Feature ‘Hot Dogs From Hell’ Cannon Fired Directly Into Fan’s Faces
The Seattle Mariners announced plans today to follow up on their popular Hot Dogs from Heaven promotion with a new Hot Dogs from Hell...
Disturbing New Report Reveals Average American Swallows Several 7-11 Hot Dogs in Sleep Each Year
A disturbing new report released today reveals that the average American swallows up to a half-dozen 7-11 hot dogs in their sleep each year.
"It...
ICE Deports Mariner Moose Back to Canada
The Mariner Moose was reportedly deported back to his native Canada by ICE agents today despite being a legal U.S. resident for the past...
Tragedy Strikes After RFK Jr. Vaccinated By Lone Doctor on Grassy Knoll
Tragedy struck today after Health Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr. was reportedly vaccinated by a lone doctor wielding a long-range syringe from a nearby grassy...
