Panicked Introverts Begin Inventing New Excuses as Vaccine Rolls Out
As vaccine rollouts continue at a remarkable pace, reports indicate frightened introverts across the nation have begun the long, difficult process of creating new...
Shocking! Controlling Man Declines Offer to Control Own Damn Self
Despite being a big fan of controlling how women, people of color and low-income residents should live their lives, local control freak, cop and...
Local Q-Anon Oscar Nominees Thank Academy of Child-Eating Lizardmen for Conspiring to Bestow Distinct Honor
Washington state Q-Anon stars of Borat Subsequent Moviefilm humbly thanked the Academy of Child-Eating Lizardmen today for conspiring to bestow upon them recognition for...
Jesus Hits Snooze Button, Will Rise Again Once Everyone Is Vaccinated
Son of God, Jesus Christ, announced this morning his annual resurrection re-enactment has officially been postponed by snooze button as he continues sleeping in...
Jesus Returns, Sees Tech Bro Riding a Onewheel, Reascends
The firstborn son of the creator of the universe, Jesus Harrison Christ, briefly returned to Earth this morning before witnessing a young human man...
Son Successfully Lures Dad to Vaccination Appointment with $25 Treat from Tommy Bahama
With the time window for his 67-year-old father’s priority vaccine access almost over, exasperated local son Garrett Hearns said he’s finally coaxed his father...
KEXP Holds Eddie Vedder Hostage Until Pledge Goal Met
In a shocking turn of events, it has become apparent that KEXP officials have kidnapped Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder, and are holding...
Family Panics as Local Woman Reaches Tie-dye Phase of Pandemic
After assuming they had made it through the worst of a year-long lockdown as vaccine appointments draw closer, one local woman’s parents and siblings...
Seattle Underground Tour Launches Virtual Showings of City’s Creepiest Apartment Laundry Rooms
Anxious to begin hosting informative local tours again, today the Seattle Undeground Tour launched its first live virtual showings of the city’s most creepy...
Report: U.S. Cases of New Podcasts Reaching Dangerous New High
As the pandemic heads into its second year, officials say that catastrophically high U.S. cases of new podcasts are showing no signs of abating.
“We...
