Today Seattle City Councilmember Bob Kettle railed against Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson for having zero plan to combat spider season.
“Every time I ask Mayor Wilson what she’s going to do about spider season, she’s all ‘I’m caught in the spider webs, so leave a message and I’ll call you back’—but I say we need answers and a plan now!” said Kettle at this morning’s City Budget Committee meeting. “Every spider has eight eyes—we’re completely outmatched and obviously the only way to fight them is to octuple the amount of surveillance cameras we have around the city. But is she funding those or the expansion of the Real Time Spider Center so more cops can keep sitting on their ass and watch how cool it is when they catch and kill their prey instead of actually responding to any 911 calls as they come in? No.”
Although there’s no data proving there’s more spiders now that Katie Wilson is mayor of Seattle, Kettle pointed to an internet poll he made that only his friends answered proving it definitely feels like there’s 800% more spiders.
“In Katie Wilson’s Seattle, these spiders keep getting caught in a cup, but a minute later, they’re right back on the streets,” said Kettle. “These break-ins are becoming all too common in Seattle and it’s only getting worse now that these maniacs can more quickly access Capitol Hill after she added more bus-only lanes for Route 8. She’s had almost 10 months to make changes that help quell the fears of Seattle’s arachnophobes, but currently it seems there is no plan to address these home invasions. And don’t even get me started on spider web graffiti. I don’t care how talented your favorite spider web artist Charlotte is, it’s illegal.”
At press time, Mayor Wilson could not be reached for comment as she was too busy securing plans for a widely supported city budget proposal that funds things like gun violence prevention programs, affordable housing, and free school meals all while closing the city budget deficit.
