15 Signs You’re Too Cozy To Go Out Tonight, Seattle
As the sun sets on Seattle, the dreary elements, seasonal depression and packs of wild raccoons descend rapidly on our fair city. The warm...
Woman Reports Living in Renton Really Not That Bad
Friends of Renton resident Rachel Hensley are concerned tonight after she reported during happy hour that living in her current city really isn’t that...
Cap’n Jeff Bezos Leads Prime Day Pirates to SLU Shores
In what is fast becoming a loathed Seattle tradition, Cap’n Jeff Bezos again led his rag-tag crew of Prime Day Pirates to South Lake...
Man Wins Ugly Sweater Contest By Wearing Startup Hoodie
A local man reportedly took home first place at an Ugly Sweater Contest today after showing up in what judges described as a “late-stage...
Seattle Renounces Atheism Forever After Witnessing Resurrection of St. Rat
Long known as the most godless city in America, this week Seattle suddenly renounced atheism forever after witnessing the miraculous resurrection of St. Rat.
“I...
Panicked Social Media Managers Furiously Crank Out Kwanzaa Tweet
A silent night turned into a cacophony of clattering keyboards as the nation’s social media managers roused from their beds last night to crank...
Spring Cleaning Put Off Until Next World-Halting Pandemic
The build-up to a local man’s much-anticipated goal of spring cleaning his home climaxed today with the sobering realization that there now isn’t enough...
Boomer Whispers ‘Vegan’ In Same Hushed Tone as ‘Cancer’
At a family gathering today, local baby boomer Aunt Patty shared news of millennial niece Grace Wilson’s decision to go vegan in the same...
UW Cherry Blossoms Just Want to Ejaculate Pollen in Peace
In an unprecedented press conference today in The Quad, University of Washington cherry blossom trees announced all they want is to just ejaculate some...
Dave Chappelle, Elon Musk Refuse to Use They/Them Pronouns for Trans-Siberian Orchestra
After getting booed for 10 minutes straight at a San Francisco show earlier this week, brave free-speech activists Dave Chappelle and Elon Musk found...
