5 Fun Places to Go Apple Picking This Weekend Because ICE Scared Off All Their Farmworkers
There’s no better time to go pick apples at these five fun and picturesque orchards than this weekend because ICE raids have left no...
Pardoned Turkey Still Seeking Pardon from Hanging Out with Trump
Several hours after President Donald Trump pardoned a turkey Tuesday morning, the turkey is reportedly still waiting for Trump to stop wanting to hang...
Capitol Hill Commuters Hold Séance to Summon Next Bus
Five hours after it was supposed to arrive, a group of commuters stranded at a Capitol Hill bus stop decided to try their luck...
Wilson Already Endorsed for 2nd Term After Promising Death Will Come Swiftly to Her Enemies
Katie Wilson proudly announced Wednesday night that, in addition to officially being elected Seattle’s next mayor, she’s also already secured unanimous endorsements from local...
Harrell to Spend More Time with Most of His Family
After a torturous, week-long vote count that ultimately resulted in him losing a second term as mayor of Seattle to progressive Katie Wilson today,...
Desperate Mayor Harrell Takes First Bus Ride to Appeal to Katie Wilson Supporters
In perhaps his greatest move of desperation for his mayoral campaign yet, today Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell boarded his first bus ride ever to...
Zombie Humpy Not Dead Yet, Just Looks Like It
Mariners fans concerned Humpy partied too hard after winning his first two Salmon Runs this month were assured today that—despite his body’s obvious exponential...
Portland Warns Trump It’s Ready to Use Full Force of Voodoo Doughnut
After another day of President Donald Trump not backing off his threat to authorize the “full force” of the National Guard on Portland, today...
Man Who Got First Red Cup with First Starbucks On It Actually Got Second
Controversy erupted online today when it was discovered a man claiming to have received this year’s first holiday red cup with an illustration of...
CEO Orders Alderaan Starbucks Be Destroyed to Squash Red Cup Rebellion
As the Red Cup Rebellion continues to gain momentum across the galaxy, Brian “Darth” Niccol has reportedly ordered the Death Starbucks to destroy the...
