Quarantine Haircut Qualifies as Both Self-care and Self-harm
Wellness gurus across the nation are now confirming that quarantine self-haircuts have officially joined body waxing, nose hair plucking and literally anything Gwyneth Paltrow...
Georgia Senator Raphael Warnock Promises to Keep Insatiable Chris Ballew from Moving to the Country, Eating All the Peaches
In his first statement after winning re-election in a Georgia runoff Tuesday night, Senator Raphael Warnock announced he's recommitting to doing anything possible to...
CDC Study Determines Not Enough Sage or Bleach on Earth to Decontaminate White House
The CDC just released the results of its latest study confirming what many had already suspected: There is not enough sage or bleach on...
Nation Confused as Trump Pardons Betty White
Images of Betty White all over social media this morning were met with a mix of relief and confusion as news reports confirmed she...
CEO Assures MLK Would Have Wanted You to Work Today
In and inspiring e-mail to staff who mandatorily worked on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, CEO of local tech firm HustleCorps assured his employees...
Anxious DC Residents Breathe Sigh of Relief as Twisted Tea Semi Arrives at Capitol
A week after a violent mob sieged Congress, tense DC locals looked visibly relieved tonight as the Twisted Tea semi finally arrived at the...
Sick Bastards Put Tree in Living Room Just to Watch Something Slowly Die
A local neighborhood is in shock today after reports that, a mere two days into December, a group of truly sick bastards have already...
Trader Joe’s Bouncer Declines Entrance to Man Not Wearing Enough North Face
Despite several signs explicitly requiring all shoppers to wear enough middle-class outdoor gear for a hike up Little Si, witnesses waiting in line outside...
SPD Officers at DC Capitol Riot Placed on Paid Administrative Leave to Riot White House
Interim Seattle Police Chief Adrian Diaz has swiftly reprimanded several Seattle police officers who attended the Capitol riots in Washington, D.C. last week with...
Tinder’s New Spinoff App ‘Contact’ Matches People Based on Who Infected Them
Responding quickly to the drastic cultural changes that came with the pandemic-era dating scene, today Tinder launched a new spinoff dating app that matches...
