In his first statement after winning re-election in a Georgia runoff Tuesday night, Senator Raphael Warnock announced he’s recommitting to doing anything possible to keep the notoriously insatiable Chris Ballew from moving to the country and eating all the peaches.
“This former lead singer of Seattle grunge band Presidents of the United States of America has been a scourge on peach farms across the country since the early 90s,” said Sen. Warnock in a statement. “I hereby promise that he’ll never move into Georgia’s country and eat all our peaches.”
Sen. Warnock added that his order would also ban Ballew from apprehending peaches in a can put there by a man in a factory downtown.
“He’s said it himself: ‘If I had my little way, I’d eat peaches every day.’ The man must finally be stopped,” said Sen. Warnock.
Contacted outside his home for comment, Ballew said he was blindsided by the news.
“Excuse me, I am Grammy-nominated children’s music star Caspar Babypants now – I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ballew said. “All accusations that I’m building a children’s music empire to eventually move out to the country and eat millions of peaches, peaches for me, peaches for free are false and, honestly, just offensive.”
Undeterred, Sen. Warnock said Ballew remains banned from having Georgia nature’s candy in hand or can or pie.
