Newly Single Bill Gates Worried Date Only Into Him for His Tankards of Orphan Blood
Despite being completely fresh on the market with no strings attached, a newly single Bill Gates said he’s concerned the young employee he’s dating...
Local Woman Quells Anxiety About End of Mask Requirements with Weighted Gravity Mask
One local woman says she’s finally found a way to allay her anxieties about the gradual end of mask requirements by wearing a colorful...
Environmental Disaster Declared After Contents of Hot Tub Boat Leaks into Lake Union
An environmental disaster was declared today after a hot tub boat ran aground in Lake Union, spilling gallons of an unnatural mixture of toxic...
Trail Blown Up by Social Media Post
A beautiful hiking trail spot in the Olympic Mountains was blown out into fiery smithereens today after a ne’er-do-well hiker geo-tagged gorgeous photos of...
New Amazon Employee Nervous for First Day of Self-loathing
After securing an incredible salary and bonus up-front, local software engineer Brock Morehouse said he admits he’s incredibly nervous about his first day of...
Mayor Durkan Promises to Resign Soon, Just Has a Few More Pieces of Evidence to Destroy First
After months of people calling for her resignation, Mayor Jenny Durkan announced today she would finally do so as soon as she destroys a...
Mayor Durkan Responds to Requests for Missing June 2020 Text Messages ‘New Phone, Who Dis?’
Despite more than 48 public records requests for text messages she sent during contentious protests in June 2020, Mayor Jenny Durkan has repeatedly responded...
Mom Insists Waiting In Line For ‘Original Starbucks’ Worth It
Disregarding repeated protests from her grown daughter, Ohio mother Susan Varlick insisted that no line could be long enough to keep her from getting...
Local Man Torn Between Hatred of Christianity, Love of Peeps
As Easter approaches, Madrona resident Shaun Sigmon is once again agonizingly torn between his overwhelming hatred of the Christian faith and his sinful infatuation...
Op-Ed: Have You Considered Mom Isn’t Getting Vaccinated Because SHE Doesn’t Want To See YOU?
That’s right, I said it: Maybe I, your mother, am “not vaccinated” yet because I’M not ready to see YOU.
My husband and I have...
