Melvins Discography Now Sentient, Multiplying on Its Own
Longtime Melvins fan Dana Garcia reports the band’s massive catalog appears to have come to life and is multiplying in her living room.
“I came...
NBA Narrows Seattle Expansion Team Names to ‘Blue Moon Tavern,’ ‘Unicorn’ and ‘The Crocodile’
Confident they’ve sidestepped the legal trouble the NHL is facing after The Ave’s Kraken Bar & Lounge sued them for naming their new Seattle...
PCC Co-op Disturbed by Requests to Be Actual Co-op
Upper management of local grocery co-op chain PCC say they’re reportedly being flooded with countless deranged and maniacal requests for the store to be...
Recovering COVID Patient Relieved to Smell Dog’s Putrid Farts Again
After several weeks of not being sure when or if her sense of smell would ever return, local recovering COVID patient Toni Duncan said...
‘Justice for George Floyd!’ Announce Local Politicians Praying You Forgot John, Charleena, and Manuel
In remembrance of George Floyd on the day of his murderer's conviction, local politicians all around the Seattle area announced at 7 p.m. they...
Vaccinated Man Shatters Windows with Sneeze He’s Been Holding in Since March 2020
A fully vaccinated Magnolia man is looking at a hefty repair bill today after releasing a sneeze that he’d been thoughtfully holding in since...
‘I Didn’t Even Riot That Much’ Says Outed SPD Officer
After being identified as one of the six Seattle Police Department officers that attended the January 6th Capitol Riot, Sgt. Wyatt Williams was quick...
COVID Takes Away Taste, Smell and 10 Months of Cell Phone Memory, Insists Mayor
Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan revealed for the first time that a year ago today she had quietly dealt with contracting COVID-19 and experienced symptoms...
Quiz: Are You In Love With Them or Did They Just Vaccinate You Against a Deadly Disease 5 Minutes Ago?
When they asked you to roll up your shirt sleeve, you: a. Felt overwhelming gratefulness and expressed thanks as you did just that.b. Took...
‘No, We Don’t Even Drink Water,’ Says Muslim to White Coworker Who’s Had 2 Decades to Google That
In an annual show of performative curiosity, today local white coworker Lizzie Hedges asked her Muslim coworker Mariem Aloui the same question about Ramadan...
