As Easter approaches, Madrona resident Shaun Sigmon is once again agonizingly torn between his overwhelming hatred of the Christian faith and his sinful infatuation with sweet, sugary Peeps.
“Oh, infinite void, why hast thou forsaken me with such an impossible choice?” Sigmon pleaded out his window on a recent dark night of the soul. “Why hast thou arbitrarily bestowed on me both the knowledge that Christianity is utter bullshit and that its capitalistic baby-chicken-shaped marshmallow fruits look and taste so sensuously divine?”
Sigmon vowed years ago to the Flying Spaghetti Monster to forever cast away all graven Christian relics, even those shaped completely out of pure, sucrose crystal-encrusted fluff.
“The temptation to consume every colorful, gelatinous gem forthwith is too much, I fear, for one Earthly man to bear – what kind of Pastafarian am I?” Sigmon said on the brink of collapsing from existential despair. “Oh father of sauciest meatballs, please lend me on of your many divine, noodly appendages in this darkest hour to keep me away from anything associated with a religion at the rotten core of the toxically patriarchal society that we suffer existing in every day.”
Despite many prayers sent into the abyss, Sigmon reportedly succumbed to ravenously consuming not only two packages of Peeps in one sitting, but three Cadbury eggs.
Sigmon faces a penance sentence of 30 lashes on the tongue with an al dente noodle.
