What a year for Boeing! The Needling wrote about Boeing literally ten times as much as it has any other year with almost 30 headlines about the local commercial plane manufacturing monopoly. We had so many Boeing headlines, we couldn’t publish them all without a) turning into a real fake news outlet just about Boeing or b) worrying about getting a little too high on the hit list.
Which Needling real fake Boeing story this year killed you the most?
#10: SeaTac 4th of July Fireworks Show Just Boeing Jets Taking Off from Airport
“I told my wife, ‘Hot damn, honey, they’ve outdone themselves this year!” said Normandy Park resident Benjamin Cross. “Next thing I knew, landing gear smashed right through the windshield of our Subaru Forester.”
#9: Christmas Canceled After Santa’s Boeing Sleigh Falls Apart
“I told Santa this was going to happen but no, he just had to try to save a couple bucks by contracting out to Boeing,” said Elf engineer Jinglebolt Hammersparkle, scrambling to repair an older decommissioned sleigh.”
#8: Alaska Airlines Changes ‘Proudly All Boeing’ Signs on Planes to ‘Oops! All Boeings’
After years of displaying the hand-painted tagline “Proudly All Boeing” on the sides of its planes, today Alaska Airlines announced it would be retiring the phrase and replacing it with “Oops! All Boeings.”
#7: Alaska Airlines Rebrands to Psychedelic Skydiving Company
After recent near-death experiences—including a pilot on shrooms trying to crash a plane and a chunk of the passenger cabin flying off mid-flight—today Alaska Airlines said it would be leaning into its new reputation with an official rebrand to a psychedelic skydiving company.
#6: Mariners Ask Macklemore After His ‘F- America’ Comment to Be Less Divisive Like Team Sponsor Boeing
“We just don’t know why he’s divisively saying ‘F- America’ when he could be uniting everyone with something people across the political spectrum agree on these days like ‘F- Boeing,’ our generous team sponsor.”
#5: Boeing Assures Public Blue Angels Are Safe Because They’re Made for the Military, Not You People
After spending the first half of the year obliterating the public’s confidence in their ability to safely assemble planes and spaceships, today Boeing assured everyone that the Blue Angels they built are safe because they were made for the military, not you fucking people.
#4: Baby Poked in Eye by Faulty Spoon Airplane Manufactured by Boeing
“Thankfully the spoon airplane’s cargo was just applesauce so his eye will be okay, but this could have been much more serious if we had switched to solid foods.”
#3: Boeing Execs Sneak Into Museum of Flight to See What A Safe 737 Looked Like
“Do you think they’d let us take it back? We need to submit something to the FAA really soon.”
#2: Boeing Celebrates DB Cooper Day by Removing Plane Doors Mid-flight
“We did our best to keep things a surprise, but some places like Portland where D.B. hijacked a Boeing plane got a little preview a few months earlier that unfortunately got leaked to the press.”
#1: Boeing Stock Rebounds After Front Half of 737 MAX Lands Safely
“We’re pleased to report that after many scary months of turmoil for our shareholders, Boeing stock has bounced back after the most important half of a 737 MAX airplane successfully landed safely at SeaTac airport today.”
