COVID-19 Sweeps ICU Floor Routine at Tokyo Olympics
Overcoming an active state of emergency and the valiant efforts of local healthcare workers, COVID-19 made history today after sweeping the ICU Floor Routine competition at the 2021 Tokyo Olympic Games.
“For a moment, it...
Seattle Kraken Already Relocated to Oklahoma City
Seattle Kraken fans were crushed today after learning that the team’s ownership, Seattle Hockey Partners, has announced that the fledgling team assembled just yesterday will be moved to Oklahoma City.
“We want to thank the...
New COVID Vaccine Lottery Threatens Non-compliant Citizens with Mariners Tickets
Following the announcement of cash incentive lotteries for vaccinated citizens, Governor Jay Inslee warned today that the state will also roll out a parallel punishment lottery that will threaten non-compliant citizens with free Mariners...
NBA Narrows Seattle Expansion Team Names to ‘Blue Moon Tavern,’ ‘Unicorn’ and ‘The Crocodile’
Confident they’ve sidestepped the legal trouble the NHL is facing after The Ave’s Kraken Bar & Lounge sued them for naming their new Seattle team’s restaurant The Kraken Bar & Grill, the NBA announced...
Local Idiot Thinks SoDo Has Always Meant ‘South Of Downtown’
Several Seattle historians are reporting today that local idiot Kyle Bennington actually thought SoDo stood for “south of downtown” instead of what it obviously stands for.
“South of the Dome – the fucking Kingdome. Hello!...
Gonzaga’s March Madness Prowess Reminder that Spokane Still in Washington
As Gonzaga’s undefeated basketball team continues to impress the nation with a powerful March Madness run on the edge of making NCAA history, millions of Seattle area residents were mostly amazed to learn that...
Mariners Prepare to Welcome Back Fan to T-Mobile
As Washington COVID cases continue to decrease, part of Gov. Inslee’s Phase Three plan includes allowing the Mariners fan to attend opening day on April 1st at the T-Mobile Park stadium and all games...
Local Pedestrian Crosses Street Record-setting 27 Times in One Block
In a stunning commitment to not come within six feet of any people on her afternoon walk today, local pedestrian Megan Wallace crossed the street a record-breaking 27 times all within one neighborhood block.
“It...
Russell Wilson Reportedly Open to Heartbreaking Playoff Losses with New Team
In what many Seahawks fans have described as “complete horseshit,” Russell Wilson is reportedly considering being sacked and intercepted in the most sad and demoralizing manner while playing quarterback for a different team.
“Whether he’s...
New Masked Mariners CEO Promises Team Will Come Back ‘Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger’
Within a day of Mariners CEO Kevin Mather resigning in disgrace after being caught sharing offensive views about his team on a Bellevue Breakfast Rotary Club Zoom call, team chairman John Stanton revealed he’s...
