Local Man Dies at Axe-Throwing Bar, Obviously
The Seattle Police Department has confirmed a man with a pre-partied posse of his boys died at Capitol Hill axe-throwing bar Blade & Timber Friday night, as expected.
The hottest new spot on...
Breaking: Officials File Report on Lenin Statue’s Ties to Russia
A report first made accessible to losers who don't start their weekends by early Friday afternoon will determine once and for all if Fremont's Lenin statue can continue on with civilian life considering its...
#TBT: 5 Top-Read Posts for February
If you were buried so deep in an igloo last month that you missed last February's top-read posts, fret not:
1. Howard Schultz Promises to Move Nation's Capitol to Oklahoma City if Elected President
2....
Mayor Durkan Reluctantly Turns Off Phoenix Jones Signal
After waiting patiently for defunct Seattle superhero Phoenix Jones to resurface and help handle high-crime areas like Magnolia, Mayor Jenny Durkan has officially turned off the Phoenix Jones signal.
Despite her reluctance to make...
Weather Forecast: Sunshine, Like Life, is Fleeting
Following swiftly on the heels of one of the sunniest Januarys on record, the next week promises temperatures sure to chill your soul and rain so miserable you’ll wonder if you’ll ever have the...
Lost Woman Doesn’t Know How the Hell She Ended Up in Duvall
It was a harrowing day for Broadview native Blaire Colman, 26, after a misunderstood direction from her phone somehow fucking led her to the small town of Duvall.
While on her way to a new...
Magnolia Named World’s Most Dangerous Neighborhood by Magnolia
Frazzled, bullet-grazed and red lipstick-kissed, crime researchers arrived at a press conference Tuesday evening in window-smashed cars to confirm that Magnolia is the most dangerous neighborhood in the world, according to Magnolia.
“Gun wars...
#TBT: The Needling’s 5 Top-Read Posts for January
January 2019: Picture it! The Seattle metro area before it knew God was going to make one giant coke line out of it for the first half of February. Memories! Let's take a look...
Remote Worker Still Not Remotely Aware She Lives in Igloo Now
Friends of Greenwood remote worker Hannah Ricks are reporting that she seems to be completely unaware that she lives in an igloo now.
“I love working from home,” said Ricks Monday night. “Instead of...
Revealed: Nude Photos Show Bezos Betrayed Us All
Nude photos of Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos, exclusively acquired by The Needling, show that the nature of betrayal in his secret affairs went much further than previously understood.
Images show a buck-naked Bezos...
