Nearly 60,000 Washington state public school teachers, notorious for their ample paid-time-off antics, will reportedly get back to remembering what a little hard work looks like when the first day of school starts this week.
“Labor Day’s over, and now we need to snap these loafs out of their drunken summertime stupors,” said Lake Washington School District Superintendent Tina Hayes. “It’s time for nine invigorating months of paying an average of $500 out-of-pocket for school supplies, teaching an updated curriculum that required no prep-time, and being subtly blamed for every child who doesn’t reach their full potential.”
Across the state, educators cited the challenges of going back to school, including “having to put on clothes again,” “staying awake all day,” and “what is school?”
“I’ve been pleasantly day drunk for the last 40 days,” said Garfield High geometry teacher Sarah Thurbin as she pulled her pineapple-shaped inflatable to the shore of Green Lake and began to deflate it, crying.
In order to ease teachers back into the routine, some districts have rolled out lesson plans sung to karaoke tracks. While a difficult transition for most, some teachers have proved to be more prepared and mature about getting back to work than others.
“Sure, I spent my summer drinking Rainiers and playing darts in a dive bar,” said John Muir Elementary teacher Walt Masterson. “But now it’s time to hydrate, take an aspirin, and head back into the abyss.”
Local residents say they can’t wait for teachers to get back to “earning their keep.”
“I saw my son Jimmy’s 3rd grade teacher post on Instagram about going on a weekday hike and then having the energy the next day to host an entire BBQ,” said local stay-at-home mother Meaghan Hennings. “I think we’ve seen enough of these freeloaders taking advantage of government handouts. It’s time to get back to work on Jimmy’s attitude problems.”
