In the wake of another 3-million-gallon untreated sewage spill affecting Seattle’s beach-front parks today, City and County officials say they’re officially giving up on spill prevention and have instead hired the Toxic Avenger as the parks’ new lifeguard.
“No one knows better what happens when your entire body is completely dunked in and destroyed by waste,” said King County Wastewater Treatment spokesman Chad Galifianakis. “We’re hoping all we’ll need to do to keep people from enjoying our local beaches this summer is have Citizen Toxie himself greeting them in the parking lot.”
The Avenger alone may not be able to prevent everyone from going into the water at Golden Gardens, the most popular beach affected by the spill. But the County says it’s a relief that he’ll at least be there to keep an eye out for anyone who accidentally chokes on a stranger’s raw fecal matter.
“He may be a little scary looking, but the guy’s sweet as pie and handy as hell with a mop,” Galifianakis said.
Being hired on for the new public service position is an honor, the Avenger says.
“By day, no one is getting dumped in this wastewater as long as I’m on watch,” the Avenger said. “By night, I’ll be searching for whoever’s responsible for this repeated sewage-spilling shit.”
