Tragedy struck the Capitol Hill community last night as an avalanche of Prime boxes and frivolous subscription orders trapped residents inside the Sage Quaff Luxury Apartments lobby.
Local firefighters quickly arrived on scene and established contact with a small pocket of survivors.
“It appears they stumbled upon a cache of Extreme Outdoor subscription boxes that provide an artisan hatchet, bandolier of compasses, and new archaic fire-starting apparatus each month, then dug out a rudimentary shelter with it,” said Fire Chief Burt Selleck. “We praise the group’s ingenuity and survival instinct, but have warned them that accidental removal of a load-bearing Casper mattress box may cause a further collapse.”
While spirits remain high, there’s growing concern over feeding the trapped survivors as the supply of subscription delivery meal kits has dwindled.
“The incredible specificity of the group’s various food allergies and intolerances have started to create problems within the dug-out shelter,” Selleck said. “They’ve run out of gluten-free meals and tension is growing over whether the locally sourced salmon roe should go to the pescetarians or the egg-consuming vegetarian sect. Foodie blogs are being consulted as we speak.”
Rescue efforts are running against the clock, as forecasters predict a massive Prime Day deluge is just around the corner.
“If we can’t get these kids out of here before July 15th, I fear we’ll forever lose them to the Great Fulfillment Center in the sky.”
