In Show of Solidarity, Mayor Durkan Pledges $20M to Seattle Police Department
After a tumultuous weekend of several Seattle police using excessive force on both peaceful protesters and looters, Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan sought to bring...
Looter Returns Clothes After Realizing They’re From Old Navy
One man’s victorious high from looting a Downtown Seattle business during Saturday’s protests came to an abrupt end this morning when he realized all...
11 a.m. Door Slam, Dog Bark Right on Schedule
Local furloughed employee Adam Wyland confirmed once again upon waking this morning that while most of his life seems especially uncertain during the pandemic,...
Citing ongoing confusion, Market officially changes name to Pike’s Place
Due to the dumbest possible circumstances, Pike Place Market officials have announced they are changing the 112-year-old public market’s name so as to not...
Swedish Hospital Introduces New Do-It-Yourself Heart Transplant Kits
Those on the long waitlist for heart transplants are in for a shock: Swedish Hospital just announced today that it will be rolling out...
Jeff Bezos Donates 2 Million Human Lungs to Bolster Coronavirus Relief Efforts
Much needed help materialized for coronavirus-inundated medical staff today when local billionaire and reluctant philanthropist Jeff Bezos arrived at Harborview Medical Center with truckloads...
Transplant in Shock Following Seattle Native’s Voluntary Wave, Eye Contact
Local California transplant Jenny Silverlake is still in shock tonight following an evening walk in which a Seattle-born neighbor voluntarily waved and greeted her...
Ship Collides with Giant Sewer Ball of Lysol Wipes in Puget Sound
Seattle, WA – A Carnival Freedom cruise ship struck a large trashberg of Lysol wipes floating in the middle of Puget Sound this afternoon,...
Op-Ed: While You Were All Out Buying Toilet Paper, I Bought All the Toilets
Well look at you, stuffing your shelves with all that toilet paper. Bet you thought you were gonna have yourself a nice shit, relax...
Firefighters Waiting for You to Sleep So They Can Really Crank New Siren
Firefighters at West Seattle’s Fire Station 36 are reportedly psyched about their brand new siren and are waiting until the next time you’ve reached...
