CDC Announces Masks Optional, Glaring At Maskless Passerby Still Required
Under pressure to clarify its COVID-19 guidelines, the Centers for Disease Control this week announced an update to its recommended precautions: Masks are now...
PCC Co-op Disturbed by Requests to Be Actual Co-op
Upper management of local grocery co-op chain PCC say they’re reportedly being flooded with countless deranged and maniacal requests for the store to be...
Recovering COVID Patient Relieved to Smell Dog’s Putrid Farts Again
After several weeks of not being sure when or if her sense of smell would ever return, local recovering COVID patient Toni Duncan said...
‘Justice for George Floyd!’ Announce Local Politicians Praying You Forgot John, Charleena, and Manuel
In remembrance of George Floyd on the day of his murderer's conviction, local politicians all around the Seattle area announced at 7 p.m. they...
Vaccinated Man Shatters Windows with Sneeze He’s Been Holding in Since March 2020
A fully vaccinated Magnolia man is looking at a hefty repair bill today after releasing a sneeze that he’d been thoughtfully holding in since...
‘I Didn’t Even Riot That Much’ Says Outed SPD Officer
After being identified as one of the six Seattle Police Department officers that attended the January 6th Capitol Riot, Sgt. Wyatt Williams was quick...
COVID Takes Away Taste, Smell and 10 Months of Cell Phone Memory, Insists Mayor
Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan revealed for the first time that a year ago today she had quietly dealt with contracting COVID-19 and experienced symptoms...
Environmental Disaster Declared After Contents of Hot Tub Boat Leaks into Lake Union
An environmental disaster was declared today after a hot tub boat ran aground in Lake Union, spilling gallons of an unnatural mixture of toxic...
New Amazon Employee Nervous for First Day of Self-loathing
After securing an incredible salary and bonus up-front, local software engineer Brock Morehouse said he admits he’s incredibly nervous about his first day of...
Mayor Durkan Promises to Resign Soon, Just Has a Few More Pieces of Evidence to Destroy First
After months of people calling for her resignation, Mayor Jenny Durkan announced today she would finally do so as soon as she destroys a...
