In an act of extreme precaution and concern for public safety, the Seattle Police Department confirmed today it’s stocking up on tear gas after receiving tips regarding “Black Friday” events taking place around Seattle this week.
“According to various mailers, advertisements, and online coupons being sent to local residents, we have reason to believe that the next wave of racially fueled riots is upon us in an event most are referring to as ‘Black Friday,’” said SPD interim chief, Adrian Diaz. “I just got word yesterday that Home Depot is slashing prices on saws, drills, and hammers for Friday’s event. It’s CHOP all over again, and our officers are going to need access to all the tear gas we can possibly provide in order to control these crowds. I’ll be damned if anything besides social services is ever defunded on our watch.”
Police have reason to believe that the apparently grassroots organization has officially gone so mainstream major companies are already co-opting them with Black Friday events around Seattle.
“My sources tell me shit is really going down at Nordstrom,” said SPD Officer Burt Cowan. “I know, right? We didn’t see them being a big part of this Black Friday movement coming either. But trust us when we say that we will remain the Thin Blue Line between order and chaos when we inevitably storm its clearance-rack pea-coat aisles with both our newest cache of tear gas and post-Thanksgiving Day digestive gas. I’m loading up on my Aunt Tilly’s baked beans so if this movement really thinks it’s going to demonstrate all morning in Nordstrom’s shoe aisles, they’ve got another thing coming.”
At the time of publication, the Seattle Police Department had just received word that the clothing retailer, Anthropologie, is planning what appears to be a nationwide cyber-attack the Monday after Black Friday.
