Looking to rebound from the recent retirement announcement of his longtime chewing gum, today Seahawks coach and chronic masticator Pete Carroll revealed what’s already being hailed a “super gamey” turkey giblet as his replacement.
“Bubble Yum who?” mused Carroll, massaging a tough turkey gizzard between his molars. “I’ve moved onto a superior, all-natural substance to obliterate my jaw joints with.”
Word even reached Carroll’s former longtime partner Chewy Bubble-Yum, now a Hall-of-Fame fixture of Seattle’s Gum Wall.
“I wish Coach Carroll and his new relationship all the best—although I could do without the 2 a.m. ‘you up’ texts and unsolicited tongue pics,” said Bubble-Yum, blushing with pink xylitol. “When I saw our dismal standing in the NFC West, I did flirt with the idea of coming back for Pete. But satisfying Coach’s oral fixation is a thankless task.”
Carroll was unable to comment further as he had been rushed to the ER for choking on the giblet. Fortunately, doctors say the incident was much less severe than when he choked at Super Bowl XLIX.
