Pin Falling Violently Out of Woman’s Hair Declared Riot by SPD Incident Commander
Another day of peaceful protesting against police brutality unfortunately broke into a riot today, says Seattle Police Department Incident Commander Covered Badge, when a purple bobby pin violently tumbled out of a female protester’s...
In Show of Solidarity, Mayor Durkan Pledges $20M to Seattle Police Department
After a tumultuous weekend of several Seattle police using excessive force on both peaceful protesters and looters, Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan sought to bring healing to the city by signing an executive order pledging...
Looter Returns Clothes After Realizing They’re From Old Navy
One man’s victorious high from looting a Downtown Seattle business during Saturday’s protests came to an abrupt end this morning when he realized all he’d stolen were some shitty clothes from Old Navy, which...
11 a.m. Door Slam, Dog Bark Right on Schedule
Local furloughed employee Adam Wyland confirmed once again upon waking this morning that while most of his life seems especially uncertain during the pandemic, his neighbor’s 11 a.m. door slam followed by a dog...
Citing ongoing confusion, Market officially changes name to Pike’s Place
Due to the dumbest possible circumstances, Pike Place Market officials have announced they are changing the 112-year-old public market’s name so as to not confuse the hayseeds.
“Quite frankly we were tired of having to...
Swedish Hospital Introduces New Do-It-Yourself Heart Transplant Kits
Those on the long waitlist for heart transplants are in for a shock: Swedish Hospital just announced today that it will be rolling out its innovative do-it-yourself heart transplant kit program as soon as...
Jeff Bezos Donates 2 Million Human Lungs to Bolster Coronavirus Relief Efforts
Much needed help materialized for coronavirus-inundated medical staff today when local billionaire and reluctant philanthropist Jeff Bezos arrived at Harborview Medical Center with truckloads of oozing Amazon prime boxes stuffed with two million human...
Transplant in Shock Following Seattle Native’s Voluntary Wave, Eye Contact
Local California transplant Jenny Silverlake is still in shock tonight following an evening walk in which a Seattle-born neighbor voluntarily waved and greeted her with full eye contact.
“I don’t know if killing the Seattle...
Ship Collides with Giant Sewer Ball of Lysol Wipes in Puget Sound
Seattle, WA – A Carnival Freedom cruise ship struck a large trashberg of Lysol wipes floating in the middle of Puget Sound this afternoon, raining down chunks of wipes containing single-use band-aids, latex and...
Op-Ed: While You Were All Out Buying Toilet Paper, I Bought All the Toilets
Well look at you, stuffing your shelves with all that toilet paper. Bet you thought you were gonna have yourself a nice shit, relax in your bathroom on your own porcelain throne. Guess again,...
