Middle-aged Shoppers Arrested with Fake IDs at Costco’s Senior Shopping Hour
KIRKLAND – Dozens of middle-aged shoppers who crept out of their suburban windows early this morning were promptly arrested when they tried using fake...
East Precinct Cops Struggling to Intimidate Protesters Remotely
Following the withdrawal of police forces from Seattle’s East Precinct, many displaced police officers are reportedly struggling to adapt to a remote workplace, finding...
Free Ballard Declares Victory As SPD Retreats from Violent Threats of Lutefisk
Inspired by the Seattle Police Department’s retreat from what is now known as the autonomous zone of Free Capitol Hill, the more than century-old...
Police: Our Vests Are Bulletproof, Not Plastic Bottle-Proof
In a desperate plea to Seattle’s elected officials today, Seattle Police Officers Guild President Mike Solan begged the city for more protection from protesters...
SPD Bans Tear Gas Until Next Shipment Arrives
After repeated calls to end the use of tear gas on peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters during a pandemic, the Seattle Police Department has...
Mysterious Health Condition Prevents Customer from Using Mask, Brain
A local Safeway customer assured essential workers and shoppers this afternoon that the only reason she wasn’t wearing a mask is a health condition...
Local Holy Woman Ascends to Podcast Nirvana
Five mostly quarantined months into meditatively mowing through almost every podcast in existence, sources say local holy woman Zahra Princeton has officially ascended to...
Progress: Amazon Announces Recyclable Pink Slips for Union Workers
Following increased public pressure to walk its talk on the fight against climate change, today Amazon unveiled a “Clean Leave” policy today that promises...
Pike Place Market Begins Curbside Fish-Throw
As businesses citywide adapt to selling products at a safe distance, this weekend Pike Place Market began curbside fish-throwing to its loyal, seafood-loving customers.
Henry...
Man Utterly Traumatized by 2020 Just Gonna Pick Up ThunderShirt for Self Too
While picking up an anxiety-reducing ThunderShirt for his dog ahead of tonight’s neighborhood firework displays, a local man utterly traumatized by 2020 decided he...
