City Council Confident You’ll Love Policies Passed from Secret Bunker
After making the unprecedented decision to completely end all in-person public comment in Seattle City Council Chambers, today Council President Sara Nelson said she’s confident everyone will love the policies they’ll now pass instead...
Ballard Bridge Stuck, Halts Gentrification for 3 Hours
Today the century-old Ballard Bridge became stuck in the air at a near 90-degree angle due to a malfunctioning motor, halting all gentrification into the neighborhood for an unprecedented three hours.
Young, bearded bicyclists lining...
Phew! Thing Slithering Through Garden Was Just Spineless City Councilmember Dan Strauss
Despite momentarily fearing for her life, today Ballard resident Anna Santos said the eerie thing she saw slithering through her garden this morning was just spineless Seattle City Councilmember Dan Strauss.
“At first, I thought...
Light Rail Operator Excited to Finally Find Out What’s in Lynnwood
Ahead of the Lynnwood Station grand opening on Friday, Light Rail Operator Tim Anderson is reportedly excited to finally find out what’s actually in the northern suburb.
“I’ve heard many whispers about this mysterious land...
Public Demands Smith Tower Be Converted Into Delightful Tower of Terror Already
After Smith Tower was recently sold again to yet another group of investors attempting to turn it into more office space Downtown Seattle doesn’t need, today the public demanded the historic building finally be...
Tanya Woo Looking Forward to Seattle Voters Telling Her to Fuck Off for 4th Time Straight This Fall
King County GOP darling, landlord who’s not a big fan of Juneteenth BBQs, homeless shelter plan killer, affordable housing plan destroyer and currently appointed Seattle City Councilmember Tanya Woo told reporters today after the...
Disappointing: Seattle Public Library Employee Responding to Overdose Fails to Shoot Anyone
Tough on crime critics were reportedly disappointed today after a Seattle Public librarian quickly responded to an overdose, but failed to shoot the man or anyone else on the scene.
“When I saw a man...
Blue Angels Circle Seattle 12 Times in Attempt to Find Parking
The annual Seafair Weekend Festival got off to an odd start Friday when the highly anticipated Blue Angels performance turned into what was reportedly just circling Seattle 12 times in an attempt to find...
Smith Tower Vaporized After Seattle Central Library Accidentally Turns Sunbeam into Death Star Laser
Seattle unexpectedly lost a landmark today after a perfectly angled sunbeam bounced off Seattle Central Library’s windows and accidentally turned into a Death Star laser that vaporized Smith Tower.
“It’s unclear if this was a...
Homeless Encampment Swept Ahead of North Seattle Walk to End Homelessness 5K
North Seattle philanthropists rejoiced today when they learned police had swept a large homeless encampment just in time for their 9th Annual Walk to End Homelessness 5K this weekend.
“It’s a miracle! For the homeless...
