After KUOW reported the groundbreaking scandal that progressive Seattle mayoral candidate Katie Wilson’s parents have pitched in on childcare costs as she campaigns, today incumbent candidate Mayor Bruce Harrell told reporters that this city needs to be led by someone with so much money for childcare that they can forget one of their own children even exists.
“Unlike Katie, I’ve been to able afford so much childcare that I hardly needed to interact with my biological son, Evan, at all—only saw him three times between the ages of 7 and 15,” said Harrell beaming with pride at his thick wallet. “Even after his mother told Seattle Weekly in 2007 how much it hurts him to see me campaign for office and not mention him at all, I still did my best to act like he never existed. I mention I only have three kids on my campaign website even though I actually have four. So nice of local reporters, by the way, to never dig too much into that! Seattle needs a mayor who has enough financial influence to never bother acknowledging their own kid’s existence again if they don’t fit nicely enough into the narrative.”
Although he said he pities Wilson’s plight of not being rich enough to pretend for years a real child of hers doesn’t exist, Harrell said her lack of wealth calls into question how much experience she has taking maxed-out donations from the most conservative corporate interests in the Seattle area.
“How can we trust someone to run this city effectively if they’re clearly not the type who’s constantly selling out to Microsoft, Amazon and shady real estate tycoons?” Harrell said. “Do you even really care about this next generation of children if you don’t have a record of constantly selling out their futures to the same people selling out their futures to the Trump administration? Or if you’re not friends with child molesters like Ed Murray? I don’t think so. She just doesn’t have the political corruption experience.”
After confirming to reporters that he would never use his more than $15 million net worth to help his adult children or grandchildren lest they immediately be like Wilson, Mayor Harrell and his campaign staff were seen brainstorming their next attack on his opponent from his waterfront, three-car garage glass house.
