Victoria’s Secret Releases Line of Edible Sweatpants
Inspired to release a more realistic and practical line of lingerie this Valentine’s Day, today Victoria’s Secret revealed its first line of edible sweatpants...
Local Psychopaths Camping This Weekend
According to inside sources, certified crazy people Shyan Burke and Mikaela Hopkins of Fremont have already headed up to the mountains this weekend to...
Trader Joe’s Bouncer Declines Entrance to Man Not Wearing Enough North Face
Despite several signs explicitly requiring all shoppers to wear enough middle-class outdoor gear for a hike up Little Si, witnesses waiting in line outside...
Patagonia’s New Pufferfish Puffy Expands When Attacked
Seeking to edge out its tight competition with other outdoor brands this year, today Patagonia introduced a first-of-its-kind Pufferfish Puffy that expands into a...
Magnolia Neighborhood Vandalized By Vegan Teens Pelting Houses With Egg Substitute
A Magnolia neighborhood was terrorized today as a roving band of vegan teens went on a health-conscious Halloween crime spree, reportedly pelting houses with...
Third Round of Refrigerator Grazing Officially Counts as Dinner
In a landmark study conducted by the University of Washington, scientists
have finally concluded that your third round of refrigerator grazing officially
counts as dinner.
“We conducted...
Scientists Confirm Thanksgiving Gatherings Only Safe If Everyone There Voted for Biden
Liberal families across the country rejoiced today as CDC scientists confirmed that inviting friends and family over for Thanksgiving during a pandemic is totally...
Stuffing Turkey Most Intimacy Man Has Experienced Since March
Lacking any human touch since March, a Fremont man has experienced his first spark of intimacy in months today while stuffing and dressing his...
Low-Paid Non-Union Assembly Sure to Stop Boeing Planes From Falling Out of Sky
In an effort to rebuild trust in its assembly line quality after cutting corners led to several of its planes falling out of the...
Ultralight Backpacker Removes Ribs to Save Weight
After years of downsizing his list of backpacking essentials, veteran ultralight backpacker Nathan Hurley said he’s ready to head out this weekend with his...
