25-Year-Old Horrified to Discover He 40 in Pandemic Years
As the coronavirus pandemic has forced the nation into sedentary lifestyles and rustic hobbies, one 25-year-old was horrified to learn today that he’s aged...
Jesus Returns, Sees Tech Bro Riding a Onewheel, Reascends
The firstborn son of the creator of the universe, Jesus Harrison Christ, briefly returned to Earth this morning before witnessing a young human man...
Son Successfully Lures Dad to Vaccination Appointment with $25 Treat from Tommy Bahama
With the time window for his 67-year-old father’s priority vaccine access almost over, exasperated local son Garrett Hearns said he’s finally coaxed his father...
Seattle Police Union to Investigate Officers Who Didn’t Attend January 6th DC Riots
To ensure the utmost professionalism in its ranks, Seattle Police Officers Guild President Mike Solan announced today that the union would be opening up...
KEXP Holds Eddie Vedder Hostage Until Pledge Goal Met
In a shocking turn of events, it has become apparent that KEXP officials have kidnapped Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder, and are holding...
Russell Wilson Reportedly Open to Heartbreaking Playoff Losses with New Team
In what many Seahawks fans have described as “complete horseshit,” Russell Wilson is reportedly considering being sacked and intercepted in the most sad and...
Local Sadist Posts Gorgeous Trail Photo on Facebook Hiking Group With No Location
A local Facebook hiking group is reeling tonight after yet another sadist posted a gorgeous trail photo without mentioning its location.
“This sick fuck posted...
Family Panics as Local Woman Reaches Tie-dye Phase of Pandemic
After assuming they had made it through the worst of a year-long lockdown as vaccine appointments draw closer, one local woman’s parents and siblings...
Fieri’s Flavortown Gains Competition as Tom Douglas Opens Delivery-Only Flavoure Villa
Not to be outmaneuvered by Guy Fieri’s delivery-only Flavortown Kitchen that just opened in South Lake Union, today local chef and restaurateur Tom Douglas...
New Masked Mariners CEO Promises Team Will Come Back ‘Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger’
Within a day of Mariners CEO Kevin Mather resigning in disgrace after being caught sharing offensive views about his team on a Bellevue Breakfast...
