Report: 99% of Nation Totally Willing to Go Along with Flag Day for Chance at Day Off
Despite 99 percent of the nation never really knowing why the seemingly redundant patriotic holiday exists in the first place, a new study shows...
Ann Davison Ends Community Court in Favor of Burning the Accused at the Stake
Hoping to mimic the success of public burnings at deterring crimes like heresy, witchcraft and sodomy, Seattle City Attorney Ann Davison said she thinks...
Working Class Heroes: This Orca Pod Decided to Literally Eat the Rich
In a stunning show of working-class solidarity, one determined local pod of orcas has taken inspiration from their European yacht-sinking cousins and decided to...
Enthusiastic Feminist Accidentally Shatters Debt Ceiling
The nation’s debt ceiling came crashing down today after an enthusiastic feminist flew straight through it, accidentally thinking it was the glass ceiling that’s...
Seattle Drivers Celebrate World Bicycle Day by Offering One-Day Ceasefire on Ballard Bridge
In honor of World Bicycle Day today, Seattle car drivers graciously offered a one-day ceasefire with bicyclists crossing the Ballard Bridge.
“Wow, while I wish...
Seattle Aquarium Launches Pride Celebration with New Gay Otter Exhibit
Seattle Aquarium launched its Pride Month celebration a day early today on World Otter Day with the opening of its new furry gay otter...
Man Always Thinks of Perfect Gun to Win Argument With Later in the Shower
Following a missed opportunity to finally exercise his Second Amendment rights during a heated traffic dispute today, one man lamented the fact that he...
Mayor Harrell Urges Everyone to Climax at the Same Time During One Seattle Day of Service
In an effort to reach the elusive pinnacle of collective harmony and union he’s promised the city ever since running for office, today Mayor...
Neighborhood Cats Rejoice as Bongos’ Giant Litter Box Opens for Spring
Green Lake-area cats have declared litter box season officially open after the beloved Caribbean restaurant Bongos Cafe opened its giant sand-covered patio for the...
‘So When Are You Going to Bless Me With Grandkids?’ Asks Local Mom Sparking Jumper Cables
As countless Mother’s Day visits inevitably turn to the subject of grandkids today, one local mom turned to more unconventional methods to gather intelligence...
