Weather Confirms Seattle Still Under Witch’s Curse
As a thick blanket of rain descends on the greater Seattle area for every foreseeable day in the local weather forecast, The Needling’s intrepid...
RFK Jr. Announces Plan to Extend Nation’s Average Lifespan with Little Bite on the Neck
As part of a new health initiative that will completely circumvent the modern pharmaceutical industry, today Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr. announced...
Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz Experience Sexual Awakening After Playing Doctor Together
According to prematurely leaked video of them staying late one night at the White House, Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz recently experienced a late-life...
Sasquatch Finds Himself
The hunt is over: After decades of soul-searching, Sasquatch has found himself.Cryptozoologists have been looking for Bigfoot for over a hundred years, but none...
DSM-5 Now Includes Mariners Fanhood as a Legitimate Form of Depression
After years of vacillation about whether it should be officially labeled a psychological disorder, the National Order of Psychiatrists confirmed today that they’ve added...
Festive Local Man Already Putting Out Winter Depression Decorations
Too excited to wait on getting in the spirit of his favorite part of rainy season, festive local man Daniel Langley admitted today he’s...
Mayor Harrell Announces Police Officers Will Recite Land Acknowledgement Before Sweeping Homeless Native Americans on Indigenous Peoples’ Day
In a moving and unprecedented show of deference, today Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell announced he’s ensuring every police officer recites a land acknowledgment before...
Local White Man Honors Indigenous Peoples’ Day by Taking Entire Day Off from Talking About Being Seattle Native
In a moving show of respect, sacrifice, and deference, today local white man Don Pudd honored Indigenous Peoples' Day by successfully taking an entire...
Archaeologists Find Leif Erikson Also First Explorer to Discover Parking on Market Street on a Sunday
Just in time for Leif Erikson Day, new archaeological evidence has been discovered to suggest that, in addition to being the first European to...
ICE Only Uncovers Hideous Faces to Play Spooky Organ at Opera House
After countless videos of the terrorists in ICE refusing to unmask and identify themselves while banishing 4 year old cancer patients from hard working...
