Rover Announces New Walking Service for Quarantined Shut-ins
Seattle dog walking service Rover has today announced it will be expanding its services to provide daily socially distanced walks to attention-starved quarantine shut-ins trapped in their own homes.
“You should see Greg Wilson’s eyes...
Local Woman Longs to Experience Other Bathrooms
Local woman Rachel Sellman confirmed witness reports today that her longing stares out rain-drenched windows are due to her endless craving for the novelty and adventure of experiencing other bathrooms.
“My bathroom is always so...
Exhausted Parents Consider Transitioning Son to Outdoor Child
Following eight exhausting months trapped inside with their offspring and attempting house-training, a Greenwood couple has reportedly begun preliminary discussions about moving their son into the yard and transitioning him into an outdoor child.
“You...
‘The South Shall Rise Again,’ Says Man Who’s Never Left Eastern Washington
Standing outside his dusty ranch just off Interstate 90, Samuel Dunn confirmed to reporters this afternoon that “The South shall rise again” despite never having traveled farther than an hour beyond Moses Lake in...
Modern-Day Casanova Sets First Zoom Date as ‘Recurring Meeting’
The online dating world was set aflutter today as word spread that one modern-day Casanova has been pre-emptively setting first dates up as ‘recurring meetings.’
“Alejandro cuts to the chase and schedules dates as recurring...
Wolverines Return to Washington State Convention Center for First Time Since Comic Con
Animal conservationists and comic book nerds alike are abuzz today after this morning’s surprise sighting of the first Wolverines to return to the Washington State Convention Center since last year’s Emerald City Comic Con.
“It...
Local Woman’s Nightly Self-Care Routine Just Switching to Series of Smaller Devices
Local Instagram influencer Megan Murray has garnered public praise in health and wellness circles today after finally spilling the secrets of her highly successful nightly self-care routine: a regimented schedule of switching to a...
Baton-Twirling Performative Ally Could Really Take it Down a Notch
After dedicating several free baton-twirling performances in front of her Central District home this last month to the Black Lives Matter movement, non-white neighbors of Kelsey Higgins are wondering if it might be time...
Major Trump Donor Appointed As The Postal Service’s New Lead Singer
After months of publicly trashing The Postal Service, President Donald Trump announced that he’s appointed multi-million-dollar campaign donor Louis DeJoy as the Seattle band's new lead singer.
“Their profits have been falling for far too...
Archaeologists Unearth Ancient 5G Towers Responsible for Black Plague
In what many are calling a world-shattering discovery, archaeologists in England have unearthed a series of massive, ancient 5G towers that have been determined to be solely responsible for the Black Plague that ravaged...
