Jesus Hits Snooze Button, Will Rise Again Once Everyone Is Vaccinated
Son of God, Jesus Christ, announced this morning his annual resurrection re-enactment has officially been postponed by snooze button as he continues sleeping in...
Jesus Returns, Sees Tech Bro Riding a Onewheel, Reascends
The firstborn son of the creator of the universe, Jesus Harrison Christ, briefly returned to Earth this morning before witnessing a young human man...
Son Successfully Lures Dad to Vaccination Appointment with $25 Treat from Tommy Bahama
With the time window for his 67-year-old father’s priority vaccine access almost over, exasperated local son Garrett Hearns said he’s finally coaxed his father...
KEXP Holds Eddie Vedder Hostage Until Pledge Goal Met
In a shocking turn of events, it has become apparent that KEXP officials have kidnapped Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder, and are holding...
Family Panics as Local Woman Reaches Tie-dye Phase of Pandemic
After assuming they had made it through the worst of a year-long lockdown as vaccine appointments draw closer, one local woman’s parents and siblings...
Seattle Underground Tour Launches Virtual Showings of City’s Creepiest Apartment Laundry Rooms
Anxious to begin hosting informative local tours again, today the Seattle Undeground Tour launched its first live virtual showings of the city’s most creepy...
Report: U.S. Cases of New Podcasts Reaching Dangerous New High
As the pandemic heads into its second year, officials say that catastrophically high U.S. cases of new podcasts are showing no signs of abating.
“We...
Mark Wahlberg Somehow Already Starring in Movie About Capitol Assault
In what many have called “that sounds about right,” it was announced today that Mark Wahlberg would be starring in a Michael Bay-produced “action-packed...
Quarantine Haircut Qualifies as Both Self-care and Self-harm
Wellness gurus across the nation are now confirming that quarantine self-haircuts have officially joined body waxing, nose hair plucking and literally anything Gwyneth Paltrow...
Georgia Senator Raphael Warnock Promises to Keep Insatiable Chris Ballew from Moving to the Country, Eating All the Peaches
In his first statement after winning re-election in a Georgia runoff Tuesday night, Senator Raphael Warnock announced he's recommitting to doing anything possible to...
