In an unprecedented press conference today in The Quad, University of Washington cherry blossom trees announced all they want is to just ejaculate some pollen in peace this spring.
“We know leaving us alone at some point every day of the week is probably unrealistic, but damn, could you at least take the kids somewhere else Tuesday mornings?” said another tree. “I’m trying to concentrate on doing something in my nature at home and I just want to enjoy it without hearing a bunch of people talk and shout around me. It’s really distracting and, honestly, just awkward.”
Several more trees decried the hordes of humans showing no restraint in taking up all of their free time and never giving them enough time alone to do their business.
“I work all winter to look this good so I can spread as much seed as possible,” said one of the trees. “But it’s embarrassing to do while people are taking selfies and throwing the peace sign for all these cameras. I really don’t need the performance anxiety.”
If their requests for some more quiet time alone is not granted, the trees said they’ll have no choice but to increase their pollen count.
