‘No, We Don’t Even Drink Water,’ Says Muslim to White Coworker Who’s Had 2 Decades to Google That
In an annual show of performative curiosity, today local white coworker Lizzie Hedges asked her Muslim coworker Mariem Aloui the same question about Ramadan...
Newly Single Bill Gates Worried Date Only Into Him for His Tankards of Orphan Blood
Despite being completely fresh on the market with no strings attached, a newly single Bill Gates said he’s concerned the young employee he’s dating...
Local Woman Quells Anxiety About End of Mask Requirements with Weighted Gravity Mask
One local woman says she’s finally found a way to allay her anxieties about the gradual end of mask requirements by wearing a colorful...
Local Man Torn Between Hatred of Christianity, Love of Peeps
As Easter approaches, Madrona resident Shaun Sigmon is once again agonizingly torn between his overwhelming hatred of the Christian faith and his sinful infatuation...
‘U Up?’ Text Steadily Migrating Closer to 10 p.m. With Each Passing Year
In what used to be a regular 2 a.m. ritual, one aging fuckboy’s late-night hookup texts have steadily migrated closer to an optimal bedtime...
Next Season of Naked and Afraid to Be Filmed in the Amazon Balls
Quickly overshadowing Monday’s local reality TV news that Renton native Katie Thurston will be star of ABC’s next Bachelorette, the Discovery Channel announced today...
Boomer Whispers ‘Vegan’ In Same Hushed Tone as ‘Cancer’
At a family gathering today, local baby boomer Aunt Patty shared news of millennial niece Grace Wilson’s decision to go vegan in the same...
Ballard Man “Likes the Idea” of Woodworking
In addition to hobbies such as sneering at beer and recounting unlistenable fishing stories, Ballard man Cole Wilkinson recently toyed with enjoying “the idea”...
Seattle Woman Celebrating Unseasonable Warmth With Long Walks Along Beaches Of Hyrule
For the past week, Seattleites have enjoyed uncharacteristically warm, sunny days and Ballard resident Natalie Stahl says she's no exception as she enjoys long,...
Uncharismatic Dog Not Up to Task of Carrying Tinder Profile
In addition to his full schedule of dogly duties, local canine companion Mr. Beefington has reportedly not been posing charismatically enough for his owner...
