Piroshky Piroshky Owner’s City Council Stump Speech Weirdly Includes 14 Mentions of ‘Flaky Crust’
People were left confused and mostly hungry after listening to Piroshky Piroshky owner Olga Sagan’s latest Seattle City Council candidacy stump speech, which included...
Report: 99% of Nation Totally Willing to Go Along with Flag Day for Chance at Day Off
Despite 99 percent of the nation never really knowing why the seemingly redundant patriotic holiday exists in the first place, a new study shows...
Ann Davison Ends Community Court in Favor of Burning the Accused at the Stake
Hoping to mimic the success of public burnings at deterring crimes like heresy, witchcraft and sodomy, Seattle City Attorney Ann Davison said she thinks...
911 Called for Jazz Alley Musician Struggling to Get Out of Solo
What began as a routine night of music at Dimitriou’s Jazz Alley today escalated into a medical emergency when Sonny “Fatso” Jones, saxophonist of...
Local Man Fondly Recalls When Seattle Residents Could Actually Afford Homes to Do Drugs In
Lemonade in-hand as grandchildren gathered around his porch rocking chair, today Seattle native Allan Smith happily reminisced on the days of yore when Seattle residents...
Washington Lawmakers Scrap Free School Lunches for All, Encourage Children to Forage at Recess
Although Washington state legislators recently scrapped a plan to join California, Colorado, Minnesota, and Maine in offering universal free school lunches to all children,...
Working Class Heroes: This Orca Pod Decided to Literally Eat the Rich
In a stunning show of working-class solidarity, one determined local pod of orcas has taken inspiration from their European yacht-sinking cousins and decided to...
Enthusiastic Feminist Accidentally Shatters Debt Ceiling
The nation’s debt ceiling came crashing down today after an enthusiastic feminist flew straight through it, accidentally thinking it was the glass ceiling that’s...
Seattle Drivers Celebrate World Bicycle Day by Offering One-Day Ceasefire on Ballard Bridge
In honor of World Bicycle Day today, Seattle car drivers graciously offered a one-day ceasefire with bicyclists crossing the Ballard Bridge.
“Wow, while I wish...
Seattle Aquarium Launches Pride Celebration with New Gay Otter Exhibit
Seattle Aquarium launched its Pride Month celebration a day early today on World Otter Day with the opening of its new furry gay otter...
