Seattle Mariners Announce You Are Playing Outfield Next Season in Latest Cost-Saving Move
Despite bragging about being the most profitable team in baseball just last year, today the Seattle Mariners have announced that you will be playing...
47,215th Flyover Picture of Mount Rainier Confirms It’s Still There
Unsure of whether the 14,411-foot volcano looming over the Seattle metro area was still there, a team of about 108 Southwest coach passengers took...
Ghosts Haunting Historic Capitol Hill Building Sick and Tired of These Transplant Ghosts Already
A meeting of Belmont Court’s Dead Homeowners Association (DHOA) grew tense today as the 94-year-old building’s otherworldly residents vented concerns about the culture-fit of...
County Looks to Increase Voter Turnout by Dragging Your Ass to the Dropbox Themselves
In a desperate attempt to raise King County’s sad, off-year voter turnout, poll workers for the November general election are being tasked with physically...
‘Wow, It’s Getting Late in the Year,’ Say Seattleites Hoping Sun Will Finally Take a Fucking Hint
After agreeing they had a lovely time together, today people all over Seattle are talking about how close we’re getting to winter in hopes...
Man Wins Halloween Costume Contest Dressing as Metro Bus, Never Showing Up to Party
This weekend local man Matt Ellis absolutely crushed the costume competition at a friend's Halloween party by dressing up as a King County Metro...
Dead Grandma Wishes Family Would Stop Making Her ‘Famous’ Jell-O Salad
Today local dead grandmother Mildred Freemore announced that, after 20 years of floating above the Thanksgiving table, she’s officially had it with her memory...
Nation’s Relatives Enjoy Most Peaceful Thanksgiving in Years After Agreeing They Hate Biden, Not Getting Into Why
After years of holiday dinners spiraling out of control at the inevitable mention of anything slightly political, today the nation’s relatives enjoyed the most...
Biden Continues Unconditional Support for Israel As It Begins Bombing East Palestine, Ohio
In a national address tonight, President Joe Biden re-affirmed that the United States will continue its unconditional support for Israel even as it began...
Climate Pledge Arena to Offer Hot Dog, Small Drink and Kick in the Throat for Only $49.99
Striving to “go deeper” in celebrating the Seattle Kraken’s first home game this fall, today Climate Pledge Arena revealed it will be offering game...
