‘Our Country Is Better Than This,’ Says Country That Has Never Been Better Than This
Today millions of citizens of a country that is not even close to being better than this and never has been talked about how...
Boeing to Leave Starliner Stuck in Space to Prove It Still Makes Things That Don’t Fall Out of the Sky
After days of speculation about when it will be able to safely detach from the International Space Station and return to Earth, today Boeing...
Sharks Attempt to Repair Image By Eating Their Way Through Forbes 500 List
Following a series of highly publicized attacks on yachts by orca pods, sharks have reportedly jumped on the bandwagon in an attempt to repair...
Seattle Mariners Apologize for ‘Geoduck Run’ Mascot Race
Although it had initially hoped to capitalize on the success of their new “Salmon Run” race with another sea-animal themed sprint, today the Seattle...
Seafair Pirate Boat Torpedoed by Coast Guard, So That Problem Is Finally Solved
After someone told them that a boat full of pirates have been terrorizing the city of Seattle every summer since 1950, today the U.S....
Broadmoor Family Celebrates Bastille Day Eating Baguettes Safely Barricaded in Multi-Million Dollar Home
Hunkered down in their bespoke panic room, one Broadmoor family said they aren’t taking their chances this Bastille Day despite living in an exclusive...
‘Please Kill Me,’ Says Up House Begging for Sweet Release of Demolition
As Ballard and the rest of the Seattle community continued discussing for the 16th year in a row potential uses of the house that...
‘I Would Treat You Better Than Bears or Men,’ Says Sasquatch
Wondering why so many women around the world are limiting themselves to basic unpredictable threats such as a man or bear, today Sasquatch reminded...
Poll: Most Americans Would Rather Be Eaten By Sharks Than Live Through This Election
A new Discovery Channel poll today reveals a significant majority of likely American voters would prefer being devoured alive by sharks rather than live...
Half of America Celebrates Independence Day by Moving to Canada
Millions of Americans celebrated Independence Day today by patriotically packing everything they own up and moving out to live on their own in Canada.
“You...
