We Sat Down with Rep. Matt Gaetz and He Just Kept Asking Us When the Wendy’s Mascot Was Gonna Turn Legal
At The Needling, we pride ourselves on fair and balanced real fake news reporting, and sometimes that means reaching across the aisle for another...
JD Vance Relieved He Won’t Have Access to Oval Office Furniture Until After No Nut November
Incoming Vice President JD Vance quietly expressed his relief today that he wouldn’t suffer the temptation of Oval Office furniture until after No Nut...
City Council Approves Impenetrable Dome Over Downtown for New ‘NOPE Zone’
Following the approval of SODA (Stay Out of Drug Area) and SOAP (Stay Out of Area Prostitution) zones, this week the Seattle City Council...
Citing Bone Spurs, Trump Vows to Eliminate Veterans Day
After realizing he had at least four more years of Veterans Days events walking around and caring about anyone but himself, today President-elect Donald...
Boeing Announces Priority Boarding for Passengers Willing to Hold Plane Together with Bare Hands
In an effort to cut down on costs for everyone in a mutually beneficial way, today Boeing announced it would provide priority boarding for...
‘See, We Concede with Class,’ Says Liberal Shitting on Latinos Online All Day
After a brutal presidential election loss Tuesday, this week one liberal shitting on Latinos online harder and longer than anyone ever shit on Nancy...
Gov. Inslee to Seize Absolute Power with Covid Protocols Any Day Now
With less than three months until the end of his third and final term as governor, sources confirm Jay Inslee is finally expected to...
Washington Elects Nation’s First Fergalicious Governor
History was made tonight when Washington state elected the nation’s first-ever Fergalicious governor, Bob Ferguson.
“Our campaign and my upper back humps took our lovely...
Mythological Sirens Pivot to Self-Help Podcasts to Lure Men to Watery Graves
While tales of mythological sirens captivating sailors with their seductive songs have long been told, the cryptids have reportedly pivoted to podcasts to lure...
City Council Shows Well-fed Pigs at State Fair
After spending all year diligently fattening them up on retroactive 23% raises plus bonuses, this month the majority of the Seattle City Council are...
