Panic Sparked by Seattle Times Headline Quelled by Fast-Acting Paywall
A local newsreader’s potential panic attack over the implication of a Seattle Times headline was swiftly averted today by a fast-acting paywall.
“I felt myself...
‘Unfortunately Worth It,’ Says Charlie Kirk Bleeding Out from Gunshot Wound
Before completely bleeding out from someone shooting him at Utah Valley University today, conservative 2nd Amendment activist Charlie Kirk assured his loyal fans that...
Bellingham Expels Citizen with Normal Name
Raucous applause broke out at tonight’s Bellingham City Council special session following a 7-1 vote formally exiling former Bellingham resident Kyle Johnson.
City
Manager Whetlande Cormlin-Smatt...
Bill Gates Compliments Trump on Wife Who Didn’t Ditch Him Just Because He’s in the Epstein Files
Even though he’s no longer leading a major corporation, today Bill Gates said he had to drop by the tech CEO summit at the...
Couple That Doesn’t Trust Vaccines Does Trust Carnival Rides
While they remained skeptical of vaccines that have been studied and heavily regulated for years after being created by teams of scientists and doctors...
Office Workers Secretly Waiting for Landing Seaplane to Decapitate Paddleboarder
A recent poll of Westlake office workers revealed that an astonishing 87% of employees secretly hope that a landing seaplane will accidentally decapitate a...
Guy Living Under I-5 Doesn’t See the Big Deal, Always Has Hot Rat Summers
Today a man who lives under Interstate 5 confessed he didn’t understand all the sudden buzz about hot rat summers he’s been having for...
Cool! New Half Mile of Bike Lane Funnels Cyclists Straight into Portal to Hell
The City of Seattle cemented its longtime reputation as a bike-friendly utopia this week with the addition of a half-mile of dedicated bike lane...
Unemployed Man Discovers End of LinkedIn
After applying to more than 300 jobs over the last six months, it’s being reported that graphic designer Garret Keyson has finally found the...
Dick Pic Text Autocorrects Eggplant Emoji to Carrot
In an unprecedented advancement of smartphone technology, today one local man’s dick pic text autocorrected an eggplant emoji to a carrot.
“What the fuck? I...
