Vegan Vows to Drive All Steaks Off Mercer Island
Cursing the carnal eating of juicy, sliced-beef hindquarters at homes and restaurants across Mercer Island, vegan Wolf Michaels vowed today to rid the Lake...
Prolonged Quarantine Threatens to Deplete Local Hygge Reserves
Extra blankets at the ready and tea kettle bubbling, Fremont couple Henry and June Culbert's cozy nights have rapidly turned to quiet desperation as...
Mariners Fans Expect Cancelled MLB Season Would Be Best M’s Season in Years
By Guest Mariners Correspondent Dustin Nickerson
In the midst of COVID-19 outbreaks across the country, cancellations of several high-profile sporting league calendars have Seattle Mariners...
Midwest Transplants Mocked for Inability to Canoe Through Downtown in Unceasing Rain
In lieu of last year’s city-incapacitating snowpocalypse, Seattle's ongoing deluge of liquid rain is once again giving local natives the upper hand on handling...
Greedy Local Newspapers Finally Take Down Paywalls
In what some are calling a coronavirus-era miracle, the few poorly paid and overworked reporters who still remain in the local newspaper industry for...
Lost, Confused Joe Biden Ambles Into Des Moines Safeway Offering Free Hugs, Massages
Customers of a local Safeway in Des Moines, Wash. were bewildered
this afternoon when Democratic presidential candidate and former Vice President
Joe Biden somehow wandered into...
Face Mask Shortage Leading to Unexpected Rise in BDSM Experimentation
Amid
severe shortages of face masks during the worldwide coronavirus pandemic, reports
are flooding in that homes across the country are experiencing a rapid rise in
BDSM...
Microsoft Windows Update Team Can Now Work Directly from Hell
With the announcement that all Microsoft employees should utilize
remote work options for the rest of the month, the Windows Update team rejoiced
as they can...
CDC Recommends Indulging in Purell Bath Bombs This #SelfCareSunday
The Center for Disease Control has announced new coronavirus guidelines today, reminding the public of the importance of practicing antibacterial self-care to safeguard against...
Residents Throughout Seattle Area Canceling Plans to Cancel Plans
Due to public health officials already successfully lobbying
for the cancellation of most social events during the local coronavirus outbreak,
millions across the Seattle area announced...
