Stimulus Payments Delayed As Trump Demands Publishers Clearing House Deliver Each on 3-Foot-Wide Checks
Today the IRS informed Americans still waiting for their stimulus payments that their delivery had been delayed again while President Donald Trump arranges for...
Trump Warns Seattle Protesters Just Lucky His Nunchucks Busted or They’d Be in Big Trouble
President Donald Trump took a momentary pause from cowering in his bunker today to issue a stern message to Seattle's Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone...
Mayor Durkan Assures No Tear Gas Deployed, Only Sparkling Nose Irritants
A mere 24 hours after Mayor Jenny Durkan declared a 30-day ban on the use of tear gas, the Mayor’s Office assured the people...
Officer Teddy Recalled Due to Choking Hazard
After a string of violent incidents against unarmed consumers, popular plush toy Officer Teddy has been recalled due to the extreme choking hazard he...
Ben & Jerry’s Debut New ‘A.C.A.B. Cookie Crunch’
Following a powerful press release declaring "We must dismantle white supremacy," popular ice cream producers Ben & Jerry’s have released a new flavor, consisting...
West Seattle Achieves Permanent Social Distancing
While the sudden and indefinite closure of the fractured West Seattle Bridge has come as a blow to many, West Seattle residents who’ve voluntarily...
Seattle Punk Band Livestream to Include Sign Language Guy
Local punk band T.S.O.S (True Sounds of Seattle) announced today that all future livestream performances will include a sign language translator.
“It’s more important than...
Pin Falling Violently Out of Woman’s Hair Declared Riot by SPD Incident Commander
Another day of peaceful protesting against police brutality unfortunately broke into a riot today, says Seattle Police Department Incident Commander Covered Badge, when a...
In Show of Solidarity, Mayor Durkan Pledges $20M to Seattle Police Department
After a tumultuous weekend of several Seattle police using excessive force on both peaceful protesters and looters, Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan sought to bring...
Looter Returns Clothes After Realizing They’re From Old Navy
One man’s victorious high from looting a Downtown Seattle business during Saturday’s protests came to an abrupt end this morning when he realized all...
