Progress! Ballard Goodwill Donation Line Now Only Backed Up to Tukwila
Today residents from Federal Way are planning to bang pots and pans at 8 p.m. to celebrate the first day since May 2020 that...
Landlord Awaiting End to Eviction Moratorium Excited to Complain About Unrelated Surge in Homeless Population
With the nationwide eviction moratorium set to expire tomorrow, landlords across the country are eagerly awaiting the opportunity to complain about a massive incoming...
Bruce Harrell Vows Action After Hundreds of Tents Discovered Inside REI
Seattle Mayoral candidate Bruce Harrell held a news conference inside the Seattle-based sporting goods store today to blast City Hall for inaction after discovering...
Climate Change Officially Undeniable as Mariners Catch Fire for First Time in Ages
A worldwide consortium of scientists confirmed this morning that climate change is officially undeniable after even the Mariners caught fire for the first time...
‘COVID Ruined My Social Skills,’ Says Man Who Never Had Them to Begin With
At a weekend gathering of friends, local resident Eli Weber was reportedly quick to blame his complete lack of tact, grace and general unpleasantness...
Alpha Delta Lambda COVID Denies Fatal Hazing Rituals
Amidst increasingly damning allegations, today viral variant fraternity Alpha Delta Lambda denied all accusations that it intentionally facilitates routinely fatal hazing rituals.
“Look, asking pledges...
Report: Majority of 30s Spent Undoing 20s
A startling report published today revealed for the first time that the majority of your 30s will be spent undoing the untold damage that...
Alexa Finally Free After Jeff Bezos Uses Third and Final Wish To Travel Into Space
Alexa, a spirit bound by circular speaker walls for millennia, is now free to return to human form after granting her former master, Jeff...
Man Operating Under Assumption He Important Enough to Cancel
Following a flurry of racist and sexist tweets directed towards everyone from Rep. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and Dr. Fauci to LeBron James and Lola Bunny,...
Ecological Win! New Artificial Reef Constructed Entirely from Mayor Durkan’s Discarded Cell Phones
In what is being declared a major ecological win, local marine biologists have discovered a brand new artificial reef teeming with life just off...
