Union Scores Victory Over Confederated Starbucks of America at Battle of Roastery Ridge
Forces of the First Flagship Bean Battalion are still rejoicing today after claiming a Union victory at the Capitol Hill Battle of Roastery Ridge...
Cold Weather Leads to First G-Rated Fremont Solstice Parade
Families rejoiced today as the cold, overcast June weather turned the Fremont Solstice Parade into its first G-Rated, genitalia-free version of the treasured annual...
Landlord Requiring $500 Deposit for Sleep Paralysis Demon
With rents skyrocketing and housing inventory shrinking, area landlords have reportedly decided to expand pet rent surcharges to now include a $500 deposit for...
Alaska Airlines Trolls CDC Headquarters with ‘Don’t Be Such a Little Bitch’ Skywriting Message
While still attempting to appeal the decision of a Trump-appointed Florida judge that struck down the national travel mask mandate, the CDC was totally...
Local Man Upset About Rainy June Fondly Recalls Home Turning into Literal Oven Last Summer
Staring forlornly at the rain pouring outside his apartment window on a crisp, gray Seattle day, today local man Andy Brady said all he...
Seattle Police Announce Plans to Escalate Citywide Sweeps of Sexual Assault Cases Under Nearby Rug
The Seattle Police Department announced today that they need to significantly ramp up sweeping the city’s overwhelming backlog of documented adult sexual assault crimes...
Man Who Hasn’t Changed Sheets In A Year Thinks Downtown Is Disgusting
From the safety of stiff, crusty sheets he hasn’t washed in more than a year, this afternoon Ballard resident Kevin Pilbasian announced to all...
Seattle Reaches Munchies Security Threat Level ‘Dorito Orange’ As QFC Locks Up Ice Cream
On the holiest of high days, 4/20, today threats to the local munchie supply chain reached the critically dangerous “Dorito Orange” level as QFC...
The Original Starbucks Doesn’t Have a Drive-Thru and 5 Other Reasons Cars Belong at Pike Place Market
It’s an age-old Seattle debate: Should our prized Pike Place Market finally become a car-free pedestrian utopia like 80 percent of this city wants...
Awkward Pedestrian Shuffle Enters Fifth Day
Tensions are rising in Seattle’s Cascade neighborhood as an awkward pedestrian shuffle continues into its fifth day.
The standoff began when paralegal Hector Perez and...
